• Fri, Dec 7 2012

If You Don’t Have A Baby, You’ll Die Sooner Than You’d Like (But Orgasms Will Save You)

The highlight of my day is a little something called NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams. It is, in my humble opinion, the greatest news source on the planet outside of whatever Anderson Cooper covering.

Last night as I was watching the show something strange happened and I was forced to get angry. I’m not an angry person despite what my Twitter handle may be. Although he was just reporting the results of a study that was released earlier in the day yesterday, Brian said something of which I did not approve. Although I’m paraphrasing, the gist is that those who don’t have kids don’t live as long as those who do.

What the fuck? So if we want to live a nice long life we need to get ourselves knocked up and become parents? I stormed out of the room. I would not take this sans kid-shaming any longer.

But after researching the study more, I discovered it was more about “childless” versus “childfree.” It is those men and women who have tried and failed to conceive who are “two to four times more likely to die young than parents.” That group, because they want babies, are childless; I, as many others, am, at this moment childfree. While both groups will likely die far younger than their child-bearing buddies, it was those whose dreams of conception that never came to be who suffered most. Even, in some cases, resulting in extra stress and mental illness.

Either way you slice it, what it comes down to is that your mom was lying when she said you gave her grey hair. You didn’t; if anything you kept her safe and out of harm’s way as parents are far more cautious with their lives than those who don’t have kids. The best part about this study is that you can call your mom and dad a liar when they blame you for extra stress. The worst part is that skipping the parenting milestone — either by choice or not — you’re cutting your life short.

As one who may have an empty womb forever, I went looking for something to counteract this nonsense. Of course, sex was the answer.

If you want to extend your life and you’re not having kids, you can break even by having sex — and lots of it. Orgasms will not only up your mental health and happiness rate, but decrease your chances of dying from heart disease. One study even found that men who experience a “high frequency” of orgasms live TWICE AS LONG as those who don’t get so much pleasure. Seems completely ridiculous and since the study only examined the lives of 1000 men over 10 years, probably is, but we’ll take it.

At this point, you’re probably wondering exactly how you’re supposed to process all this information and just how much of it is bullocks. Well, a lot of studies are eventually debunked, so there’s that for those who just started getting their “affairs in order.” But there’s also pluses and minuses to both of these studies that we might want to take into consideration before they are thrown out the window in a few years and we’re forced to re-examine how we live our lives yet again.

Takeaway? Your friends with kids probably have less stress than you even if it looks like they have more due to aforementioned rugrats. In turn, you’re probably having more sex than them because you have more time for it which will lead to more orgasms, but it doesn’t really matter because in the end everyone is going to die, so you might as well write your will at this very moment anyway. It’s Friday, after all, so it’s not like you’re doing anything majorly important at work today.

 

Photo: Miles Nervine

What We're Reading:
Share This Post:
  • Candace

    Yuck, it’s like that episode of SATC where the doctor basically tells Samantha she has cancer because she doesn’t have kids.

    But I like this orgasm thing. Makes me feel less weird about masturbating all the time.

    • Amanda Chatel

      And it also give you an excuse to masturbate even more.

      If you’re late to something, it was simply because you were trying to prolong your life by masturbating. Makes perfect sense.