Yesterday, Huffington Post published an article by Christine Anderson insisting that women should all own and wear Spanx, regardless of discomfort. This is stupid. Do not listen to her. The post, titled “Katy Perry And Octavia Spencer Swear By Spanx, And You Should Too,” explains that there are certain situations in which all females mustÂ utilize shapewear.
“The phrase ‘necessary evil’ says it all. They are painful and annoying, but at times, they are a must-have. Much like thong underwear, they reside in every woman’s underwear drawer, and whether they are worn every day or just scoffed at when pulling out one’s granny panties, they are a staple. We present to you those occasions when the control wear is obligatory.”
Well, no, Spanx are not like thong underwear, actually. While shapewear squeezes your fucking insides like a huge open-ended body condom, thongs are teensy by definition. However, like shapewear, thongsÂ are uncomfortable to many people and therefore by no means necessary. I get the whole “beauty is pain” thing — actually, wait, no I don’t — but if you don’t want a piece of cloth shoved up your asscrack, don’t do so. If you’re looking for a way to get coverage without outward lines, snag some panties without seams. Anderson continues, listing the three situations in which you totally need Spanx or else you’ll look fat and die:
“When donning silk or satin dresses (especially for those holiday parties when one or 10 canapĂ©s may or may not pass your lips).”
HEAR THAT? DON’T YOU DARE PICK UP THAT CONOLI UNLESS YOU PLAN ON WEARING A CORSET AFTER.
“Wearing white? Don’t hesitate to wear Spanx. The chances of your clothes being transparent are too high to risk it.”
You know, because slips are extinct.
“Jersey is comfortable, but the thin, stretchy fabric can also show off lumps and bumps. If you’re dressed in dark jersey pants with pockets that cover your behind, no problem. But if you’ve chosen a clingy little dress, consider control wear another layer of protection from leering eyes.”Â
Hear that? If you don’t wantÂ leering eyes (that obviously have no control over where they look) to peek at your “bumps and lumps,” you had best be wearing Spanx, which is basically like slightly less breathable knight’s armor for women. That jersey fabric you’re so happy about being “comfortable”? Of course you canÂ wear it, but only if you put something non-breathable, uncomfortable and obnoxiously tight underneath. But at least you’ll look like you’re comfy, am I right?
Every ad you’ve ever seen for Spanx includes a model for whom this particular type of clothing would not be deemed “necessary” by most pro-Spanxers (ehrm,, that sounds like a very intense sex club). If their ads were a little more realistic as to the actual customer base, you’d see somebody around a size 10 — a la moi — squeezing her way through shapewear like a terrible actor through an anaconda in a 1997 adventure-horror movie starring Jennifer Lopez and Ice Cube.
In short, no: you do notÂ need to wear or own or worship Spanx to look and feel good. Seriously.