• Tue, Dec 11 2012

“I’d Rather Have A Girl Than A Boy”

All of them dead. If only they’d taken rudimentary English and learned to read traffic signs.

Jennifer:  No. I just want her to be in ballet recitals and have a pony that she loves that I will name Perestroika.

Ashley:  And someday you’ll allow her to marry a doctor or a lawyer or a financier and–oh!–the shoes he will buy her!

Jennifer:  I will cry really hard at her wedding, which will be at the Montauk Yacht Club.

Ashley:  And then she’ll never see you display emotion again.

Jennifer:  Well, when I become a grandmother I will be obligated to say things like “I don’t like the ice to get lonely” while drinking gin, because you know Grandma Cici on Gossip Girl is my role model. I don’t know. If it’s a son, I mean…

Ashley:  You’d just ship him off to boarding school and that would be that.

Jennifer:  Yeah, well, makes them tough. Means they can marry a nice girl who had a beloved childhood pony one day.

Ashley:  And it teaches them how to give a blowjob!

Jennifer:  That too! Me and my future son will never, ever talk about that.

Ashley:  But you’ll see it, in his smile.

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  • alexandra
  • Maggie

    Actually, in the Harry Potter series, they don’t start at Hogwarts until they’re 11, and kids who are muggle-born (that means non-magical, Ashley) like Harry and Hermione went to proper elementary school until they were 11, so they must’ve been at least somewhat educated in English and Math. I assume wizard parents home schooled too?

    I just thought I would be really nerdy and clear that up :)

    • Annie

      I’m still not sure completely stopping a kid’s education, apart from wizardry, at 11(!) is a great idea… Then you’re left with a bunch of volatile, temperamental, and practically illiterate kids with insane amounts of power. That just seems like a combustible situation!
      Harry Potter; saves the world, doesn’t know the difference between there, their, and they’re.

    • http://twitter.com/JenAshleyWright Jennifer Wright

      Right, yes, that is not enough reading and writing education. Look at what you were writing when you were 11.

    • http://twitter.com/JenAshleyWright Jennifer Wright

      People don’t spend enough time talking about what a hero Rita Skeeter was.

    • alexandra

      She must have been quite the autodidact. Studying out of vintage journalism textbooks and obsessively scanning the Daily Mail!

    • Amanda

      But Rita Skeeter had a magical quill that wrote down everything for her. She didn’t actually write anything.

    • HM

      What about Umbridge? I mean, what better way to learn spelling and grammar than repeatedly engraving the words into your own flesh?

  • HM

    See, given that the overall experience at Hogwarts seems to be ‘So! Here is how to really hurt people by pointing a glorified twig at them! Also, 25% of pupils are probably serial killers! Have fun, kids!”.

    But really though, whatever you have, just hope it’s a Slytherin.

    • http://twitter.com/JenAshleyWright Jennifer Wright

      He’s going to have nothing but snakes as pets, and I’m going to tell him to talk to them until they talk back. We’re going to train him early.

  • MR

    Well my mom and gramps (her dad) had a very special relationship. And based on what I saw when he was alive, I’d say there is not much more a dad can ask for than a loving daughter (my mom’s the only child). So my choice is definately girl.

  • Amanda

    I really can’t wait until you get The Gloss youtube channel up and running so we can watch these debates. They are pretty much my favorite thing on this site, along with Shelved Dolls.