• Tue, Dec 11 2012

“I’d Rather Have A Girl Than A Boy”

The cake represents death.

Ashley:  Yeah, actually, the whole idea of projecting your own wants and desires on a separate sentient being that doesn’t exist… makes me uncomfortable.

Jennifer:  But you said you wanted a boy. Why do you feel that way? I have explained why I would want a girl.

Ashley:  I told you, I honestly don’t know, other than that I think seeing how boys grow up would be interesting to witness. I already know what it’s like to be a girl.

Jennifer:  That seems reasonable. Won’t it be hard with him so far away at boarding school, though?

Ashley:  You do have a singular focus on shipping sons off to boarding school. Is it because you want them to come back with English accents?

Jennifer:  That’s… a normal reason. Also, a sense of the class system, at least one friend who is a Lord and an ability to drink. If by some weird quirk I end up a young widow/divorcee I could also visit him there and DEFINITELY sleep with attractive British dads/teachers just saying, sorry.

Ashley:  Oh man, I want to call you a monster for that, but it’s really just forward thinking. You’re investing in your future, the way Hogwarts never did in those wizard kids.

Jennifer:  Yeah, those kids didn’t even come out knowing any Lords. Except for Voldemort. And they didn’t make friends with him, so no country weekends to be had there.

Ashley:  I should probably read those books at some point, so I know what people are fucking talking about.

Can’t even complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.

Jennifer:  Look, a lot of my sentiments regarding children and leveraging them to my own advantage are terrible. J.K. Rowling almost certainly would not approve. That said, I’d probably be more easygoing with a girl than a boy? So, let’s do a girl.

Ashley:  I guess I should read them in case I have a boy someday (girls are illiterate).

Jennifer:  (But beautiful) (To be a superb horse-woman, you need to know how to read a little bit. Like, to look for exit signs in the ring).

Ashley:  Maybe we should get dogs and project our inadequacies onto them? Like, “Maybe if had spent less time watching TV as a puppy, Spot, you’d have published a novel by now. You piece of shit.”

Jennifer:  You have no idea how hard Spot is working on typing without opposable thumbs. He can do 88 words a minute!

Ashley:  Spot’s a phony.

Jennifer:  Also, he’s a better reader than any girl-child, and I think the way he hosts Wishbone is inspiring. I hate how mean you are to your kids. Thank goodness they have me as a Godmother, and I’ll teach them that it’s OKAY to BE WHO THEY ARE. Spot is working on finding me a Lord to hang out with.

Ashley:  Let’s get dogs and emotionally abuse them and then be happy with whatever kids we have.

Jennifer:  I can’t stand the idea of cleaning up after a dog and having to go home to walk it all the time. Can I have a goldfish?

Ashley:  Can you berate your goldfish for not being ambitious enough?

Jennifer:  HE JUST SWIMS IN CIRCLES ALL DAY WASTING HIS PHD

Ashley:  He’ll never make anything of himself.

Jennifer:  But he has a wonderful ability to love.

 

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  • alexandra
  • Maggie

    Actually, in the Harry Potter series, they don’t start at Hogwarts until they’re 11, and kids who are muggle-born (that means non-magical, Ashley) like Harry and Hermione went to proper elementary school until they were 11, so they must’ve been at least somewhat educated in English and Math. I assume wizard parents home schooled too?

    I just thought I would be really nerdy and clear that up :)

    • Annie

      I’m still not sure completely stopping a kid’s education, apart from wizardry, at 11(!) is a great idea… Then you’re left with a bunch of volatile, temperamental, and practically illiterate kids with insane amounts of power. That just seems like a combustible situation!
      Harry Potter; saves the world, doesn’t know the difference between there, their, and they’re.

    • http://twitter.com/JenAshleyWright Jennifer Wright

      Right, yes, that is not enough reading and writing education. Look at what you were writing when you were 11.

    • http://twitter.com/JenAshleyWright Jennifer Wright

      People don’t spend enough time talking about what a hero Rita Skeeter was.

    • alexandra

      She must have been quite the autodidact. Studying out of vintage journalism textbooks and obsessively scanning the Daily Mail!

    • Amanda

      But Rita Skeeter had a magical quill that wrote down everything for her. She didn’t actually write anything.

    • HM

      What about Umbridge? I mean, what better way to learn spelling and grammar than repeatedly engraving the words into your own flesh?

  • HM

    See, given that the overall experience at Hogwarts seems to be ‘So! Here is how to really hurt people by pointing a glorified twig at them! Also, 25% of pupils are probably serial killers! Have fun, kids!”.

    But really though, whatever you have, just hope it’s a Slytherin.

    • http://twitter.com/JenAshleyWright Jennifer Wright

      He’s going to have nothing but snakes as pets, and I’m going to tell him to talk to them until they talk back. We’re going to train him early.

  • MR

    Well my mom and gramps (her dad) had a very special relationship. And based on what I saw when he was alive, I’d say there is not much more a dad can ask for than a loving daughter (my mom’s the only child). So my choice is definately girl.

  • Amanda

    I really can’t wait until you get The Gloss youtube channel up and running so we can watch these debates. They are pretty much my favorite thing on this site, along with Shelved Dolls.