If fucking Zales commercials — or any other jewelry company this time of year — teach us anything, it’s that you best be coupled up during the holiday season or you might as well not even bother celebrating the damn thing.
In case you were unaware, the holidays are meant for love and love only comes in the form of something between a man and a woman making angels in the snow or sighing dreamily as they gaze at a fireplace. Ugh.
Am I the only one noticing just how much alienation is going on in those commercials? It’s not because my single self is feeling sensitive, but because these companies have tried to market the holiday season to straight couples and the rest of us be damned!
Well, no! The holidays aren’t about that. The holidays are about food and family and friends. They’re about bad Christmas gifts, Adam Sandler singing about Hanukkah and people trying not to get killed at the mall in search of presents to shove under a fine smelling tree.
And if you just so happen to be single this holiday season halle-fucking-lujah, because it’s going to be awesome and no one is going to sulk, and Zales and the rest of them can kiss our collective single asses.
Remember how last year you tried to impressive your partner with your baking skills. Remember how all the gingerbread men came out looking sad because they were?
This year with no one to try to impress, you can hit up a bakery instead. It's easier anyway.
Face it: your partner's family was never going to get it right when it came to picking out a gift for you. Fake smiles and thanks are just a memory now.
Photo: John Keatly
No awkward family drama to share, then explain later
It's always great when Auntie Sue and Uncle Johnny Cakes decide Christmas dinner is the perfect time of year to bring up something from 10 years ago and one of them throws a turkey leg in anger.
This year you get to witness that without the added embarrassment of your partner thinking your family is completely bat-shit.
Solo travel means time to reflect
Although it's fun to have a buddy during all this holiday travel, doing it alone gives you time to think about things.
Maybe you don't like fruit cake after all!
Extra gifts for you
You know all that cash you would have dropped on your significant other? Ha! You just dropped it at J.Crew on yourself.
And my, do you look fabulous in that new navy coat, my darling!
Holiday work party messes adverted
Holiday work parties with open bars were created as a sick way to see just how much self-control we have.
It's difficult to explain your own actions the day after, but when you have to try to justify that normally your boyfriend doesn't get *that* drunk and decides to take a nap under the dessert table, it's no fun. But not this year; this year, you've just yourself to make a mess of things.
You're too awesome anyway
With all your plans, galas, soirees and endless invitations during the holiday season, it's not like he was going to be able to keep up with your social schedule anyway.
New Year's Eve becomes kiss fest
Guess who's kissing whomever she wants at midnight this year?
No more bed sharing
First there's the argument with your parents about him sleeping in the bed with you under their roof, which if you win, is great.
But it was never comfortable having two people in your twin size bed from high school, so this year you can be grateful for that.
True family time
They may drive you crazy, but without having to cater to your partner during the holidays, you can really focus on family.