Have you noticed that men seem nearly concerned about their bodies as women, lately? I feel like suddenly I keep encountering men who know more than I do about juice cleanses and the benefits of protein shakes and basically not eating solids, ever. Eating only baby food and duck’s blood soup, Empress Sisi style. The thing is, I do not really want to talk about the benefits of kale smoothies with my man friends, because I already have 100 female friends who can talk about them forever. Really, all I want is a man who eats steak. With his hands. Just men with raw steaks hanging out of their mouths, like some sort of Bosch nightmare creatures.
That’d be awesome.
Shame no one has beefsteak dinners anymore.
God, Beefsteak dinners were great. They were a weird 19th century dining trend. The Museum of the City of New York explains:
Beefsteaks were initially all-male gatherings, with small groups of men gathering in rustic taverns or dingy cellars where, sitting on crates or stools, they would sing, tell stories, eat steaks, and drink ale with abandon. In these “dungeons,” etiquette was set aside. No knives or forks were allowed. The participants ate tender morsels of beef steak, accompanied by gravy-sopped slices of bread, with their hands, wiping the grease on large napkins or aprons.
In the New Yorker, Joseph Mitchell remarked:
The life of the party at a beefsteak used to be the man who let out the most ecstatic grunts, drank the most beer, ate the most steak, and got the most grease on his ears, but women do not esteem a glutton, and at the contemporary beefsteak it is unusual for a man to do away with more than three pounds of meat and twenty-five glasses of beer. Until around 1920, beefsteak etiquette was quite rigid. Knives, forks, napkins, and tablecloths never had been permitted; a man was supposed to eat with his hands…
HOW DO YOU GET GREASE ON YOUR EARS? DID THEY BURY THEIR FACES IN STEAK?
I hope so.
…“The foundation of a good beefsteak is an overflowing amount of meat and beer. The tickets usually cost five bucks, and the rule is ‘All you can hold for five bucks.’ If you’re able to hold a little more when you start home, you haven’t been to a beefsteak, you’ve been to a banquet that they called a beefsteak.”
Mitchell also claimed of the dining experience “”I’m so full I’m about to pop. Push those kidneys a little nearer, if you don’t mind.”
Yes. More kidneys, always more.