File this under “Yet Another Reason I Would Hate Being A Celebrity”: people are fucking insane and will plot to kill you. Apparently, there was a plot to murder Justin Bieber, his bodyguard and two other people which was foiled last month.
Dana Martin, convicted rapist and murderer, was in a NM prison with then-inmate Mark Aaron Staake. There, they devised a plan to strangle Bieber and his guard with a paisley tie (Martin’s apparent calling card). The pair were able to convince Tanner Ruane, Staake’s 23-year-old nephew, to parktake in the crime. The trio decided to commit the crimes during Bieber’s recent concert at Madison Square Garden. In addition to murdering people, the men also decided to castrate Bieber’s body afterward. Apparently, this was somehow lucrative, as an official police affidavit states that each of his testicles was worth a $2,500 bounty.
Again: people are fucking insane.
Fortunately, the Justin Bieber murder plot did not succeed (obviously, or else every middle school in the world would’ve cancelled school and you would already know). Martin decided to confess the plot to authorities, likely to secure some kind of deal by testifying against his co-conspirators, thus shutting down the entire plan. According toÂ USA Today, Staake was arrested in Vermont on outstanding warrants. Ruane was also arrested after police apparently heard him voice his disappointment about not carrying out the crime to Martin over the phone.
Oh, and did I mention Martin has a tattoo on his leg of Bieber? Yeah. People are goddamned terrifying and I am increasingly stoked that I will never be publicly recognized by anybody but people I know well and people I maybe made out with once or twice. No tattoo portraits, no stalkers, less than 200 Twitter fans… while dull, it sounds considerably less stressful than knowing that people would seriously be willing to pay $5,000 to hold both of your balls in their possession.