It’s almost the holidays, you guys! Or, screw it: it’s almost Christmas. I’ll go into more detail next week about what my love of Christmas says about me, a Jew, but right now let’s talk about you. Specifically: what your favorite holiday time activity is, and what that says about you as a person.
You are constantly crowing about how blessed you are to anyone who will listen, hiding a deep insecurity as to your true existential purpose. You are not afraid of strangers. You probably live in the suburbs.
Dressing Up Like Santa
You sometimes fantasize about leaving town without telling anyone and starting a new life somewhere else, but you know your old problems would probably just follow you there. So you settle for pretending to be someone else once a year. (Conversely: you are a failed actor.)
Putting Up Christmas Lights
You're never satisfied with doing something unless everyone knows about it. Everything has to be a grand gesture with you. Your kids wish you would stop posting pictures of them on Instagram.
Eating Figgy Pudding
You're a loner, Dottie, a rebel. You pretend to like unpleasant things just so you can feel superior to those around you. Your favorite band is Black Dice. What is even in figgy pudding? Your darkest secret is that you don't know.
Going On A Trip Somewhere
You have a lot of money and you hate your family. You may or may not be a character on Gossip Girl.
You are a mom who gets adorably drunk off one and a half glasses of wine. You sneak sips of sherry while you are cooking. You don't like normal adult beverages, so this is your time to shine. Sparkly, baby, sparkle.
Building Nativity Scenes
You wish people would quit it with all this meaningless commercialism and get back to the true meaning of Christmas. You sincerely believe gay people caused Hurricane Katrina.
Cutting Down A Christmas Tree
You're nostalgic for a time when women were women and men were men. You want to bring back beefsteak dinners. You have been known to kill, clean, cook, and consume an entire deer in the span of a few minutes. You are distrustful of the Federal Reserve. You have an unironic mustache.
You use fitness as a way to distract yourself from your problems. You look up local gyms before visiting family somewhere so as not to disrupt your program. You can't go more than two days without working out or you will have a drug/sex/gambling relapse.
Volunteering At A Soup Kitchen
Slow down there, Reddie Von Communist. Don't you know that Christmas is about purchasing commodities? You almost definitely voted for Obama, assuming you didn't vote for Leon Trotsky as a write-in candidate.
You correctly believe that Seinfeld was the greatest sitcom in the history of television. You are happy about Julia Louis-Dreyfus' success on "Veep."
You are a painted, slatternly strumpet in an ostentatiously sparkly Christmas sweater. You want to see all the penises. You have casual sex, and lots of it, and you think the government should pay for your hundreds of abortions.