Gollum Is Every Single Woman’s Nightmare

It’s not even a matter of the fact that you’re going to die alone. It’s the idea of a long, endlessly lonely life. With absolutely no one for company, at least, not anyone who you can have a meaningful connection with though I think Gollum tries. I think other people are just really bad at wordplay and frankly not able to keep up with him. Hobbits are kind of more into eating than they are into riddles.

There are other fish in the sea? Not for Gollum.

Gollume eating fish

Only literal fish for Gollum

The most interesting parts of the whole series, for me, really, because I do not care about any manner of wizardry, or explosions, are when Gollum remembers what is was to have loved ones. Because that happens, sometimes. And it’s heartbreaking. Apparently in his youth he led a life filled with pretty wonderful people. Now he just sits around coming up with riddles to tell himself, as Tolkein says, “through not having anyone else to speak to.”

To be fair, Gollum brings this on himself. I think he could probably have chosen to reject the ring and go forward on his life and stop obsessing over it except… he couldn’t. Think of this the next time one of your friends tells you that she can’t stop facebooking her ex all the time. It’s basically like that.

I am going to bet Gollum spent hundreds of years live-journaling poetry, listening to “I Am A Rock” and coming up with decorative raincoats for his pet fish to wear (before he ate it). (I’m assuming it’s a fish. The surrogate-child-pet a semi-immortal-hobbit would adopt is obviously up for debate).

I think, despite the fact that he’s duplicitous and mad and evil, that’s why we feel affection for Gollum. Because he is everything we are afraid to become. That, and he has absolutely enormous eyes, like a baby or a Joan Didion character.

Basically, if you’re going through a difficult break-up, don’t be like Gollum. Don’t be enslaved to a ring you can never have. I’d say try JDate, but I also hear really good things about OK Cupid. 

Picture via Wikipedia, Lord Of The Rings

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    • anna

      this depressed me so much
      i just found out my ex fiancee is getting married and has a baby on the way
      going to go bang my head and cry

      • Naomi


      • http://www.facebook.com/sameurysm Samantha Escobar

        <3 <3 <3

      • http://helloalle.com/ Alle

        GIRL. This is the worst experience one can have. I am sorry you are going through it. All I can tell you is that I have been there, it sucks, but eventually you will come out on the other side. I don’t know you but I love you, and I’m totally rooting for you.

    • Naomi

      To be fair, Tolkien hated allegory and never intended his work to be a parallel of WWI or WWII, and said as much. Just sayin’. I’ll be over here, being a hopeless dork.

      • http://twitter.com/JenAshleyWright Jennifer Wright

        Maybe that is why nothing ever matches up properly. Americans aren’t hobbits. Although we do eat a great deal.

      • KJM

        idk, I kind of find it a bit hard to believe when people say this, especially given the whole “you cannot pass!” bit with gandalf. at the battle of verdun in WWI, the commanding french officer knew he was gonna be overwhelmed and famously exclaimed “On Ne Passe Pas” (they shall not pass). also, tolkien was a WWI vet.

        so he can claim that he hated allegory, but cooooome oooooon. it’s so heavy-handed.

    • http://www.facebook.com/sameurysm Samantha Escobar

      That picture of Gollum with a fish. Oh my goodness.

    • Alysa

      I don’t think I can agree with the point you made about Gollum being able to reject the Ring. That’s the point of the Ring: it takes care of its self, and nobody can really control it– Frodo, Bilbo, and Isildur all fall to it too. That’s what’s so scary about it, it’s everything bad in the world that humans just can’t control. It makes us need and want power, i makes us willing to give up our loved ones and ourselves for this immense force we can’t control. To me, this power is scarier than my mind could ever be. (Sorry if that was a little long. I’m doing my senior thesis on Gollum as a tragic hero.)

    • MR

      Yeah, loneliness sucks. The secret to a long term relationship is not sleeping around.