Every child wants to wake up Christmas morning to a stack of presents under the tree. Unfortunately, most little ladies find a pink bounty of girly goods. There are paper dolls, American Girl dolls, fabric dolls, Barbie dolls, talking dolls, and eating-pooping-diaper dolls. Of course, the girls love them — the annual Christmas ballet is all about a doll that cracked nuts. coal!
How is Santa Claus still a thing? It's shocking that everyone ignores the fact that we've allowed — no, trained, our little girls to sit on an old fat dude's lap and whisper their wish lists in his ear. They learn if they behave themselves and don't act up, then this man will creep into their home late at night and give them all the material possessions they desire. They just need to smile pretty for the camera, or they'll get a lump of coal.
After we teach children about Santa, they then witness hundreds of simulacrums marching through the streets in jolly St. Nick costumes, lurching from bar to bar, beer in their beards and puke in their caps. 'Tis the season of SantaCon, where grown men desecrate what's left of some nice Jewish boy's birthday party.
Is Santa's first name Kris or Nick? Either way, he and his homeboy Rudolph run Christmas while Mrs. Claus has to sit home and, I don't know, warm milk on the stove or clean the soot out of a pile of red suits. She doesn't even have a first name.
Unfortunately, the sexy Mrs. Claus update doesn't do much to further the cause.
Every child wants to wake up Christmas morning to a stack of presents under the tree. Unfortunately, most little ladies find a pink bounty of girly goods. There are paper dolls, American Girl dolls, fabric dolls, Barbie dolls, talking dolls, and eating-pooping-diaper dolls. Of course, the girls love them — the annual Christmas ballet is all about a doll that cracked nuts. coal!
Blame Mariah Carey for the mindless 90's jingle that permeates your yuletide shopping spree. "All I Want for Christmas is You," is infectious as it is infuriating. This is a song that teaches women that it's not what's under the tree that counts — it's what's in his stocking that really matters. See also: "Baby It's Cold Outside" and "Santa Baby."
And are you sure you saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus, and it wasn't just a patriarchal mirage brought on by too much egg nog?
Mistletoe make-outs must have been invented by some conniving guy who wanted to take advantage of the lonely, single ladies who were led by Love, Actually to believe that in order to have a fulfilling, happy Christmas, they would have to find their one, true ugly-Christmas-sweater clad love.
Isn't a Christmas tree just a sparkling phallus that's covered in balls? And what's the deal with sucking on candy canes?
