Dating Hijinks: From Nasty Results Of Blueberry Lube To A ‘Single White Female’ Situation, You Guys Make My Dating Life Look Sane

Hungry for some blueberry lube?

Hungry for some blueberry lube?

On Wednesdays, Amanda Chatel will be sharing stories about her strange, fascinating and sometimes wonderful dating life. If it makes you want to date, check out TheGloss dating page.

Yes, we have a couple more horror stories for you this week for Dating Hijinks. It’s not because I don’t love you, but I thought the positive ones, the ones that were actually awesome and sweet, could make their appearance next week when we’re all feeling warm and fuzzy, or angsty and pissy because the year is ending and you failed your 2012 resolutions yet again. Either way, you’ll need a pick-me-up then, and I would like to help in that matter.

Our first one is from MJ who, despite her adorable sense of humor in tricking a younger man, actually scared the shit out of him by convincing him he might have an STD. But it was for a laugh, so that’s totally cool, right?

I have so many but the one that makes me giggle the most is about my very dear friend Patrick. He is in his early 20′s and I am early 30′s. I was a bartender at a little bistro and he worked for the insurance company next door. After a year of relentless flirting on my part (it made me laugh to see how red I could get him to turn) we finally met out after work for drinks.

It took awhile of hanging out but we finally fooled around. I quickly realized he was not only young but he was very inexperienced. I felt like I was training a puppy. Since he lacked the knowledge of how to turn me on I tried helping him out with some lubrication. Yummy blueberry flavored! After an awkward bj and not so pleasurable (safe) sex he was on his way home.

Two days later he texted me and asked if I had any STDs. (WTF!) “Um, noooo,” I replied and asked why. He then said he developed a rash on his penis. I thought I would have fun with my young friend so I told him if he is that worried he should go to the doctor. I also assured him I’d call the five other guys I had sex with that week to make sure they where STD-free. He almost died when I said that, but I told him not to worry that one of them was a doctor. (Friends, I did not sleep with five other guys that week, but it sure was funny to tell him that.)

It turns out my buddy is just allergic to blueberry lube. Needless to say I never used lube with him again and like any good puppy he graduated training school. Have at him girls, he is a catch!

Is MJ being cruel or funny? I can’t decide, but cruel, when done with the right amount of flavor, can be funny. In my humble opinion, anyway.

And now back to Aimee, who during her last appearance in Dating Hijinks, dealt with a Norman Bates type character and had to get a restraining order against an imaginary person. Fun.

The guy I was in love with and my best friend started hooking up behind my back while I was still getting over our sudden breakup. When I found out, my friend said they were seriously dating for months; he said they hung out one time and drunkenly made out. Someone was lying.

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    • Ms. Pants

      Aww, Aimee–that bish ain’t your friend! (I think you know that, but still.)

      Farty-Sean, ahhh, Farty-Sean. So cute, such potential. But AA at 22? Fart-hotboxing? NO!

      • Maggie

        FART-HOTBOXING. Oh my goodness, that made me laugh out loud.

    • Ms. Pants

      And my adderall is legitimately prescribed! :-)

      (I only send those kinds of emails to people who are smart enough to follow along. Technically, it’s a sign of adoration, Ms. Chatel. …and perhaps a touch of mania.)

    • sven

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