How To Make A One-Night Stand Into A Relationship (If That’s Your Goal)

So this is love, huh?

So this is love, huh?

I’m currently living in a world where one-night stands for my single friends are as consistent as me eye fucking the shit out of pastries at every bakery I pass. For them, it’s both immediate satisfaction, but also about trying to secure something that don’t have: love. At least that’s how it is for my female friends. My male friends on the other hand, well, they just all seem to be having sex as if they’re out for revenge on every woman who’s ever scorned them. Yes, men can be scorned.

But of my single friends who went through the one-night stand phase and came out on the other side to talk about it, there have actually been a few who made something real from that evening of drunken lust. While some ended in long-term relationships, a couple others (and I’m still mildly shocked by this), actually ended up in marriage. OK, so maybe now two of them are getting divorced, but that was indicative of deeper issues.

Basically, a one-night stand doesn’t have to leave you entirely cold and lonely. Why? Because love exists and sometimes you can find it where you least expect it: next to some guy named Leonard, who’s missing all but one tooth and you don’t technically recall bringing home in the first place.

Love. It’s so fucking beautiful!

Be cool

This means that when your one-night stand is walking out the door, you shouldn't make a scene and cry out "YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO CALL ME." Do that, and he never will.

Don't get your hopes up

If you've yet to learn the difference between love and sex, then you shouldn't be having one-night stands.

Don't offer to cook him dinner that night

Seriously. Don't offer him this. For the last time, don't be like Uma Thurman in Hysterical Blindness. I'm not sure how much more we can stress this.

Keep texting to a minimum

A simple thanks for a great night, is fine. But don't text him the following day to see how his day was. Which leads us to...

You're not a couple (yet)

Get that through your head, and you could make things happen. Relationships take time.

For the love of god, stop offering to cook him dinner!

Yeah, he got the memo that you want to see him again, but quit it with this domestic bullshit.

Wait more than 3 days

Apparently there's a 3 day rule when it comes to dating before you can call. For a one-night stand, let's up that to a week. Yes, wait a week before you propose another "hang out." Photo: Keep Calm

Suggest an activity where you keep your clothes on

If you've stopped offering to make him dinner, put your texting on hold and have waited a week, why not suggest doing something where your clothes stay on. You never know -- you might end up liking each other outside of the sack.

Reality bites

If you've put yourself out there and you're not getting anything in return, then stop. Delete his or her number and move on. There are many fish in the sea, my love. And even more one-night stands with whom you can try this technique. Like I said, it does work for some, but you've gotta be cool. BE COOL, DAMMIT!

Photo: MillsMFA Ad

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