I Played Dead To Get Rid Of A Super Drunk Douchebag Last Night (UPDATE: Now With Photographic Proof)

Super Drunk, Super Annoying

Yesterday, Jennifer and I discussed the annoyances of somebody persisting his (or her) attempt to seduce another person despite rejection. Later that evening, I went out with a couple of friends, including fellow Gloss writer Amanda Chatel as well as my ex-boyfriend. Ex-boyfriends — and men who hang around you, in general — are an excellent deterrent for possible creepers who just plain won’t leave you alone, so for the first half of the night, I managed to completely avoid any form of being hit on or otherwise pursued.

Now, I’m pretty awkward in person (seriously, my voice gets really high-pitched when I mean new people and I have acid reflux so I’m constantly gagging; I am not sexy), but it always surprises me how much guys at bars don’t care. They’re super drunk, they’re super annoying and they’re super dedicated to this idea that if they just try a little bit harder, you’ll uncontrollably fall into their arms, swooned and seduced.

So, last night, I was drinking a beer while sitting at the bar when some guy comes up behind me and starts talking to me. Having grown up in a small city, I’m quite friendly to strangers and like to meet new people, so I was nice and conversational towards him. He bragged about being a scuptor and growing up in England (cool story, bro) while I nodded a lot, attempting to pay attention while I simultaneously made a mental list of everything I’ll need in order to move next week as well as what recipes with avocado I could make for breakfast. I kept my physical distance, but he kept edging closer so eventually, once I’d had enough of the awkward push-and-pull game — about 45 minutes after this commenced — I decided to be completely honest (yes, I should’ve done this initially but I hate being mean and who am I to assume people’s intentions?).

“Just so you know, I think you’re a very nice person, but my vacation is over tomorrow and I’m really not interested in going home with anybody.” I think this is a totally valid statement and a not mean way of rejecting somebody, but he replied, “I’m planning on doing so anyway.” Uh, what? Are you going to kidnap me? Am I contractually obligated? PLEASE DO NOT SAY “ANYWAY.”

He then refused to stop trying to convince me to join him, actually waited outside the bar for me and kept saying, “Oh, you’ll change your mind.” This went on for a long time until I literally just pretended to pass out on the street — I had Amanda and our new random bar friend with me so it wasn’t like this guy could carry me away, I just wanted him to stop following us — and he walked away.

…ONLY TO COME BACK. Still drunk, still asking me to come home with him. So what did I do?

I got down with my inner opossum and played fucking dead again. Well, not “dead,” just “really, really drunk and unable to support body weight.” Eventually, he got into a cab and left.

This morning I woke up with hella bruises, however, so I’m a bit frustrated with Drunk Sam for not just being able to get the guy away simply using words. But why weren’t those words enough? I don’t think “playing dead” is an option for everybody; it was silly and kind of painful and definitely could’ve been unsafe if I was alone. Nevertheless, I felt desperate to get him to back off and saw this as one of my only options, since saying, “No, I’m not interested at all” didn’t see to work whatsoever.

Obviously, my initial answer should’ve clued him into my disinterest. But it wasn’t enough, because some people just don’t take “no” for an answer. They may not be violent or actually willing to harm you, but it’s still fucking obnoxious and, after a while, it falls under harassment. Why not just cut your losses and leave? It feels sad and creepy, both of which are pretty unappealing to both men and women.

So, men and women of the world — when somebody doesn’t want to fuck you, just leave it at that. Or they will be forced to play dead, throw salt at you and/or get very angry, because being overly persistent is annoying and rude and will never, ever get you laid.

By the way, here is your proof:


Photo: Warner Bros.

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    • Maggie

      Ew, what a creepy perv. I hate how some people have the idea that they can “change your mind” about sleeping with them. I’m from a small town too, so being rude to people is very difficult, but sometimes it gets to a point where the only thing that will suffice is a very firm “Fuck. Off.” Or just whip out a rape whistle and wave it threateningly. I’ve tried both, and they both work.

      • http://www.facebook.com/sameurysm Samantha Escobar

        Oh shit, good idea! Also, being rude to people is really uncomfortable, but sometimes it;s necessary because they’re the ones initiating the rudeness and calling it “being nice.” Ugh.

    • Cee

      Haha! I’m sorry, I’m just imagining you doing this on the street. But, in all seriousness..my gosh, what is up with men?! I am so sorry you had to go through so much trouble to get rid of an asshole. I’ve honestly never had to deal with something like this, I make it very known that I am a lesbian right away and if a guy keeps trying I say, very loudly “I am a lesbian, which means I HATE YOUR COCK, IT IS DISGUSTING TO ME AND MAKES MY VAGINA DRY UP. How long do you last? 20 minutes? Women go on forever, you’re useless to me”…that usually ends all disturbances. You can use it too!

      • http://www.facebook.com/sameurysm Samantha Escobar

        LOL. You are fantastic. Public humiliation should do the trick, god dammit.

      • Amanda Chatel

        I was there. It was amazing. We didn’t even know it was happening and she just dropped to the sidewalk… he ran for the closest cab. DIDN’T EVEN TRY TO HELP.

      • Ms. Pants

        Dude, how did you not go New York Blunt on his ass?! (And no, I don’t mean the kind of blunt I generally mean. Adjective, not noun.) Mandolin would have chewed him up and spit him out.

      • Amanda Chatel

        I was being a dick to him all night, but he refused to take a hint from any of us. He wasn’t from our ‘hood — people who infiltrate the East Village can be scary. They don’t get how it works down here… we roll unlike any other place in town.

      • Amanda Chatel

        We also don’t fuck dudes with hair from 1993.

      • Ms. Pants

        I’ve been very lucky then. I was smothered in hugs, smooches, and boobie bites in the East Village.

      • Amanda Chatel

        Boobie bites? I’m glad I’m not the only one.

      • http://helloalle.com/ Alle

        Basically what I took away from this story is that I want to hang out with you guys. Dropping to the sidewalk in winter? I never would have thought of that. Amazing.

      • http://www.facebook.com/sameurysm Samantha Escobar

        We’re pretty goddamn fun, if I do say so myself. Spontaneous charades, woohoo!

      • Annie

        Haha I want to be friends with you!

      • Amanda Chatel

        Name the time and place, and we’ll be there.

    • JennyWren

      “I’m planning on doing so anyway.”


      That reminds me of a friend whose boyfriend (no accounting for taste, I guess) hit on her by declaring “you’re worth the rape charge.”

      There is a line. It lies between confidence and aggression. It is not a slim line, peeps.

      • CMJ

        that’s a pickup line?!?! And it worked!?!?

      • http://www.facebook.com/sameurysm Samantha Escobar

        Oh my gooooodness. Now that…that is fucking creepy. Whoa. :(

      • Christina

        I honestly gagged after reading that “pick-up line”

    • Sabrina

      Please don’t ever stop with the gif’s.

      • http://www.facebook.com/sameurysm Samantha Escobar

        Oh my god I am so glad you said this. I am always afraid people will get annoyed with them but I CANNOT STOP.

    • Paulina

      Your cheekbones look great. Death becomes you.

      • http://www.facebook.com/sameurysm Samantha Escobar

        Aw, thank you! :D I got made fun of for ‘em in elementary school, so I should go back in time and show those kids this comment.

    • caroline

      This is a testimony that i will tell to every one to hear. i have been married 4years and on the 5 year of my marriage, another woman had a spell to take my lover away from me and my husband left me and the kids and we have suffered for 2years until i met a post where this man Dr Sango have helped someone and i decided to give him a try to help me bring my lover back home and believe me i just send my picture to him and that of my husband and after 48hours as he have told me, i saw a car drove into the house and behold it was my husband and he have come to me and the kids and that is why i am happy to make every one of you in similar to met with this man and have your lover back to your self. His email: sangospelltemple@gmail.com