If anything can crush your holiday spirit it’s an incessant dose of holiday jewelry commercials. Ah! The snow angels with heterosexual couples, gushing over ugly bracelets with heterosexual couples, stupid moments under a goddamn Christmas tree with heterosexual couples. It’s a nightmare, it’s cheesy and refuses to include all forms of love. Frankly, it’s the type of shit that keeps me up at night. Sometimes. Occasionally. OK, maybe only once because I had too much Diet Coke before bed.
But the fact remains these commercials — especially during the holidays — are bad, so bad. And every commercial break includes at least one of them and you’re staring at the television screaming out: “That’s the ugliest fucking necklace in the world! That’s the type of shit that ends relationships!” Then a voice comes on and you hear either “A Diamond is Forever” (until you pawn it) or “He went to Jared.”
So what are the best and worst of these horrific commercials? Well, based on my region, I can tell you what I’ve been forced to see multiple times a day for the past several weeks. Sadly, like a holiday jewelry commercial, this won’t be an all-inclusive list, as I’m sure those of you in other parts of the world have your own breed of nightmare holiday jewelry commercial with which to contend. And it’s always the local ones, the really local ones that are the worst.
Who wants to ride a sleigh through the park and get a diamond necklace? You? Great. You’re in luck.
Obviously, Tiffany takes first place. We can blame this on Holly Golightly and just an overall sense of class that most of the others lack:
The snow makes it a bit charming, as do the winter coats. Zales:
But would the woman in this DeBeers commercial dumped his ass, if he didn’t have some
mediocre, um, fancy jewelry for her?
Although it’s technically a year old, this Kay Jewelry commercial is priceless thanks to that “Oh, Santa…” The woman practically creamed her pants, and we know she’s probably going to do whatever her husband wants later that night. She might even do anal:
Despite the innocence of the former Zales commercial, this one just teaches everyone around the world that diamonds lead to getting laid. So, this one is the worst:
Do you have a holiday jewelry commercial that almost, sometimes, occasionally keeps you up at night, because it’s so bad? Do tell. Let’s make this Christmas unforgettable.