• Mon, Dec 24 2012

Holiday Jewelry Commercials Ranked From Best To Worst

LOVE MEANS DIAMONDS.

LOVE MEANS DIAMONDS.

If anything can crush your holiday spirit it’s an incessant dose of holiday jewelry commercials. Ah! The snow angels with heterosexual couples, gushing over ugly bracelets with heterosexual couples, stupid moments under a goddamn Christmas tree with heterosexual couples. It’s a nightmare, it’s cheesy and refuses to include all forms of love. Frankly, it’s the type of shit that keeps me up at night. Sometimes. Occasionally. OK, maybe only once because I had too much Diet Coke before bed.

But the fact remains these commercials — especially during the holidays — are bad, so bad. And every commercial break includes at least one of them and you’re staring at the television screaming out: “That’s the ugliest fucking necklace in the world! That’s the type of shit that ends relationships!” Then a voice comes on and you hear either “A Diamond is Forever” (until you pawn it) or “He went to Jared.”

So what are the best and worst of these horrific commercials? Well, based on my region, I can tell you what I’ve been forced to see multiple times a day for the past several weeks. Sadly, like a holiday jewelry commercial, this won’t be an all-inclusive list, as I’m sure those of you in other parts of the world have your own breed of nightmare holiday jewelry commercial with which to contend. And it’s always the local ones, the really local ones that are the worst.

Who wants to ride a sleigh through the park and get a diamond necklace? You? Great. You’re in luck.

Obviously, Tiffany takes first place. We can blame this on Holly Golightly and just an overall sense of class that most of the others lack:

The snow makes it a bit charming, as do the winter coats. Zales:

But would the woman in this DeBeers commercial dumped his ass, if he didn’t have some mediocre, um, fancy jewelry for her?

Although it’s technically a year old, this Kay Jewelry commercial is priceless thanks to that “Oh, Santa…” The woman practically creamed her pants, and we know she’s probably going to do whatever her husband wants later that night. She might even do anal:

Despite the innocence of the former Zales commercial, this one just teaches everyone around the world that diamonds lead to getting laid. So, this one is the worst:

Do you have a holiday jewelry commercial that almost, sometimes, occasionally keeps you up at night, because it’s so bad? Do tell. Let’s make this Christmas unforgettable.

Photo: YouTube

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  • CMJ

    They all make me cringe…and so does the jewelry. The idea that the amount of diamonds, gold, etc you receive equates to how much you love your significant other and how much she will then put out because of said ugly diamond, gold, etc makes me vomit. It’s the same with engagement rings too….there’s so much stock in what the ring looks like that we tend to forgot there should probably be a little more to a relationship than the size of an engagement ring and its accompanying wedding band.

    Oh, and those Levian/Jared Chocolate Diamond commercials? Blurg.

    • Amanda Chatel

      I tried to find a video of the Jared Chocolate Diamond commercial online, but couldn’t. I REALLY wanted to include it.

    • http://helloalle.com/ Alle

      “Oh, gotta get the woman a present. What do women like, anyway? Chocolate and jewellery, I guess. Oh! YOU MEAN THIS THING ON TV COMBINES THEM BOTH? Better get her one of those!”

      These ads are almost enough to make me not like diamonds anymore. Almost. Not quite. (#snob)

  • ClavisAurea

    Worst of the worst! Nothing like seeing the woman actually climax before the commercial is over…

  • ClavisAurea
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  • LCT

    This is the worst, I think. SOOOO date-rapey!
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ltA50HKyM14&sns=em