• Sat, Dec 29 2012

Celebrity Talk Shows I Would Gladly Host

anthony bourdain digital debauchery 140312
A weekly celebrity talk show set in my bathtub where I interview magazine photos of famous people with the eyes cut out. No cameras.

Chelsea Handler wearing a plain linen shift and screaming, screaming.

A talk show where every guest is forced to sing as much of “Danny Boy” as they can remember and once they miss a word they have to leave.

A talk show where everyone has to play the old board game Pretty Pretty Princess and talk about why the Tom Bombadil scenes would have been really hard to film for the Lord of the Rings

A celebrity talk show where all the guests and I soak in a big hot tub where the water’s never quite hot enough and talk about the impact Maude had on their careers and personal lives.

Chelsea Handler finding her way into a desert cave and running her hands along the cold, smooth stone walls very slowly, very softly, until the cave accepts her as part of itself and allows her to roam inside of its dark heart forever, never leaving, never seeing, never stopping ever ever ever.

A celebrity talk show where questions can only be asked and answered using quotes from V.C. Andrews novels. Banana pudding will be made available to every guest.

A version of SNL’s What Up With That where everyone is frozen forever and my guests and I throw our voices to pretend like they’re still doing their normal routines.

A talk show called “cave party” where we turn off all the lights and halfway through the interviews we throw boxes around until they block all of the exits and our great-grandchildren will be born eyeless and accustomed to the dark.

A talk show where I only interview celebrity chefs. In the first episode, I force Anthony Bourdain to maintain eye contact with me until he breaks down sobbing and becomes truly authentic and vulnerable. In each subsequent episode I simply hold him and whisper “it’s okay to be gentle” until he is reborn, gasping.

A celebrity talk show where I only interview Gerard Butler week after week and I only ask him the same four questions until he bursts into tears.

A talk show where I only interview characters who have been killed off of Breaking Bad about what they consider to be the ideal room temperature but I insist they get VERY specific.

A celebrity talk show where Martin Starr and I solve crimes together and also hold hands a lot. Not in a weird way. Just because we’re such good friends and we really get each other and it’s reassuring.

[Image via Wenn]

From Our Partners

Share This Post:
  • Boo

    Thegloss.com, otherwise known as mallory.com. It seems like every post I open now is by you and it’s all the same! It’s funny the first few times but by now they seem to blend together for me. Sometimes I just want to read a normal, witty-but-not-too-weird commentary on celebrities or beauty products by a person who at least sounds like they are on the same astral plane or whatever as me. And who is not trying too hard to be “different”.

    • mallelis

      That’s a completely understandable desire to have! I’m only on during the weekends, so anytime you want to check out not-too-weird commentaries, Monday through Friday is completely Mallory-free. And of course, as always, feel very free not to open any post that has my name at the top.

    • yepp.

      i was just thinking the same thing to myself.

  • HG

    Mallory…stop, just stop, please….

  • Sommeil

    Well I love this.