What You Don’t Know About Birth Order


Firstborn (male): You will always turn in library books a day early or a day late; never on time. At any given point in your life one of your best friends will secretly and intensely resent you. You will never be sure which one it is. Upon reaching your seventh birthday, you will find that you can understand the speech of birds; unfortunately, all birds are constantly talking shit about you, even swans.

Firstborn (female): You will self-publish four books before you turn thirty. All of them will be about esoteric economic theories based largely on Austrian Business Cycle Theory. No one will believe that you really have migraines, but you do.

Middle child (male): No matter how many you acquire, every pack of Tarot cards you open will be completely and mysteriously blank. No one will be around to see it when you die.

Middle child (female): You are almost certainly a witch. Your powers will be limited to one room in your house. The room will change constantly without warning.

Youngest (male): You never win anything. Contests or drawings or raffles or anything. This is no accident. You could live to see 1000 and you will not have won the merest gumball or scratch-off ticket.

Youngest (female): You will work at a Whole Foods. You will invent something that almost no one will use, but it will provide you with a tidy income for most of your adult life. You will constantly find things other people have lost: jewelry, petty cash, rare books, love letters. You’ll never find the owners, but you’ll always feel like a thief.

[Image via Wikimedia Commons]

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    • http://twitter.com/Tobi_Is_Fab Nerdy Lucy

      Eh, close enough. I haven’t self-published any books, but I technically have published 300+ articles before 30, none of which the content is even remotely close to esoteric economic theories.

      • http://twitter.com/Tobi_Is_Fab Nerdy Lucy

        But where would my little brother fall? There are only two of us, so is he middle, youngest or a hybrid?

      • …her?

        He can’t be the middle because there is no one after him.

      • http://twitter.com/Tobi_Is_Fab Nerdy Lucy


    • Kelly

      There are 10 children in my family – how does it work with that many?

    • Lisa(r)

      ONLY CHILDREN??? (Or do they, as usual, get grouped with the eldests?)

      • mallelis

        Only children do not exist. They are a myth.

    • Guest

      This is creepily close to my life (kind of) I am a fist born, an Econ major, I’ve written papers on Austrian Economics, and I get the worst headaches. I am astonished! Haha