• Wed, Jan 9 2013

Real Talk: What’s The Worst Pick-Up Line That’s Ever Been Used On You?

mystery

We’ve all experienced it: that pick-up line that is so absurdly awful you can’t help but laugh on the inside even as you are arranging your face and body language into the sternest and most no-nonsense weirdo-repelling expression you can muster. Unfortunately for the people who use them, these lines rarely work for their intended purpose, but they are certainly good for some chuckles after the fact. It was with that in mind that I rounded up the worst (greatest?) pick-up lines used on my friends and myself in recent memory. Names have been omitted to protect the pursued.

Cover photo via Mystery; other photos via Wikipedia except where noted


Erin

Shady guy on street: "Wanna go out some time?" Me: "No thank you. I'm married." (lie). Guy: (Licks his lips) "Want some barbecue chips?" Image

Becca

"I know who killed biggie."

Abby

"I just can't stop staring at your tits, they're huge."

Robin

"A bum once told me that he'd murder my pu$$y. I never power walked away from anybody so fast in my life!"

Ami

"You have eyebrows like furry caterpillars."

Chelsea

Homeless crustpunk wingman: "He shoots deer with arrows! Do I get runner up for being the second cutest?" Image

Andrea

"I like your dog. That's a SEXY dog!"

Maggie

Him: "Guiuuuurrrrll ya know what I would do to that ass??? Guuuuurrrel I'm gonna suck a fart outta that ass." Me: "Kind sir. I am a vegetarian. I wouldn't advise that."

Jill

"A guy asked me if I was happy, suggesting that I cut myself. But it was cat claw marks."

Rachel

"Your hair smells like my future."

Hannah

"At a party in New Haven some dude used a pick-up line in Klingon. I told him not to bother to translate."

Cate

"I was dressed as downtrodden Pluto one halloween and some guy goes 'awww, don't be sad, you're still a heavenly body.'"

Tobey

"Would you like to try the '92 special?" Image

Pam

"You have a tasty triangle."

Cheryl

"I wonder how far I could stick my tongue up your asshole?"

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  • RM

    “You’re my boxed lunch, and I am going to put my tartar sauce all over you.” I was SEVENTEEN YEARS OLD.

  • Nancy

    I like the Pluto one! lol

    • Nikola

      Me too!

    • Sean

      Agreed…I’m so sorry, but the Pluto one was clever.

    • http://helloalle.com/ Alle

      Me too.

    • jamiepeck

      Yeah, some of them were definitely more “best” than “worst” but I wanted to include them anyway, for obvious reasons.

  • Ms. Pants

    I had a very drunken man with his own fantastically unkempt curl-fro-solar-system once bleat at me: “There’s no polocks in this bar! Hey, I have a pass from my girlfriend cos she cheated on me. I’ve got a camper shell on my truck in the parking lot–ya wanna?”

    Luckily for me, I was a regular in this particular bar. I went every Friday to write and they saved my favourite seat for me. (Tip well, ladies! It pays off!) The bartender, once he stopped laughing at my suitor, told him to get the eff out of the bar cos he was too hammered to be served. Then turned to me and said, “You’re totally writing that one down, aren’t you?” (I was in the act of doing so.)

  • Quin

    While working in the drive-thru of a fast food restaurant, a customer who was obviously too old for me asked what my name was, and then, “Do you want to go dancing tonight?” Working fast food gets you some weird pick-up lines.

  • Guest

    Ahh I do love this website but sometimes I feel like it’s just a partial regurgitation of xojane… (the Mystery reference)

  • Archie

    Jewish guy: “Hey, wow do you have a little Jewish in you?” Me: “No…” Him: “Would you like some?”

    • Amy

      Ugh, I got that one from an Englishman I was actually dating. Horrific.

  • jamiepeck

    OMG I ALMOST FORGOT the army dudes who tried to hit on my friends and me by telling us they liked our bangs. I think they called us the bang gang? “We are the Three 6 Mafia of bangs,” I replied.

  • April

    Freshman year of college: “Do you believe in aliens?” “Ummm no” “Well maybe I can take you out to dinner sometime and explain the danger they pose to earth. Then after that I can take you to my place and show you my Hovercraft that will save the world.” “Ummm no” “Aw c’mon, you must be somewhat curious!”
    Also, that Pluto one actually was kind of cute.

  • http://twitter.com/MathildeHoeg Mathilde Hoeg Boisen

    Random Indian Guy to my friend: What’s your favorite kind of tree?

    My Friend: A birch…

    Random Indian Guy: You remind me of a birch, a beautiful birch.

  • Bree

    A guy approached my friend at a bar and said “What do you think about guys with 10 inch dicks?” My friend responded “I think they’re lying.”

  • Samantha_Escobar

    Yesterday some guy said, “I see you looking really confident. You should make me more confident.” Which was both sad and not a good line.

  • riverdog

    “Hey girl, I saw you with your hose.” At a truck stop. In the desert. As I filled water tanks for my campsite.

  • Jules

    The Pluto one was actually kinda sweet. I aww’ed when I read it.

  • Kayla

    “You look scared.”

  • Emmmmmzaa

    At the butchery section of the supermarket once I got “out of all the meat in this place you’re the most appealing”

  • Allison

    “You’re so pretty, you look like a squirrel.” -extremely drunk guy

  • Lisa

    “You’ve know each other since you were 7? Are you lesbians? Lesbians are sexy.”

    A friend and I (yes, we’ve known each other since we were 7) got to interact with an extremely drunk fellow fan at a baseball game. I have no idea how he went got to the conclusion that we were 1) lesbians and 2) if we were lesbians, that we’d hook up with him based on the fact that we’ve been friends for a long time.

  • paperraincoat

    Saddest: middle-aged guy in a the car next to mine at a stoplight. I was in my early twenties Both our windows were open. He looked awkward, stammered, and then said ‘Nice weather.’ Our windows were open because it was almost 100 degrees out.

    Weirdest: I was in a market and a long-haired greasy rednecky 50-something-seeming guy walked up right behind me, stopped painfully close [like probably less than an inch from the back of my head], stood there silently for about thirty seconds, then said ‘You gots puuuurty hair.’ And then he took a long sniff. Stood there for another ten seconds, then meandered off. My best friend was down the aisle and she immediately dashed over and asked in a very non-discreet whisper ‘DID THAT JUST HAPPEN.’

    Just plain worst: I was 16-ish and an approximately two hundred year old guy swaggered across the street at me pelvis-first. Then he asked ‘Wanna pet my doggy?’

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=676401212 Jolene 졸린 McConnell

    A guy in a bar somewhere in BFE Montana – “Wanna check out the new seat covers in my truck?”

  • Maggie

    The two worst pickup lines I’ve ever received were: “Hey, you’re cute. Wanna go watch Disney movies and make out?” (made more alarming by the fact that I was 19 and he was at least 45), and a very large man once said “GIANT TITTIES! OHHHHH YEEEEEEAHHHHHH!” when I walked by… not sure if he was referring to mine or his!

  • amarorita

    I was out having dinner with my sisters when this happened…
    Some Frat Guy: Excuse me for interrupting your dinner, but I was hoping you could accept this lemon in exchange for your number.
    Me: uh…….. no.
    Some Frat Guy: Well, if you won’t accept this lemon, how about this lime? :D

  • Kt

    I had a guy look adoringly into my face and say, “You know, you really ARE Hitler’s perfect Aryan…” I flipped a table. Runner up was a black man who told me, “I love you pale white girls, I can find you in the dark.”