It’s January, So You Should Expect To Be Broken Up With Soon

Breakup

Got a resolution that you plan on actually sticking to? Well, your schedule is about to get a whole lot freer because apparently, January is the biggest month for breakups. Happy New Year! Unless you’re single like me, and unless Netflix and brownies want to start paying alimony, I’m pretty sure none of my truly devoted relationships will be ending anytime soon.

But for those of you who are attached, E! Online has some bad news for you. After a reader asked why so many couples — Taylor Swift and Harry Styles, Bethenny Frankel and Jason Hoppy, Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez. And according to them, the reason is the month. Never mind that Swift and Styles (whose names sound oddly like a discount furniture store) had only been dating for 2 months or that, if Real Housewives has remotely accurate portrayals of people, Frankel is deeply annoying or that Biebs and Gomez are teenagers; nay, it’s the month!

…Actually, it could partially be the month. Depressing? Maybe. Needlessly frightening? Yes, that too, but apparently divorce attorneys have long-expected to receive more clients during January and February because that’s when the most people wind up splitting.

The holidays are a big factor to blame. For one thing, people already have (often unreturnable) presents for their significant others and plan on giving them, and they don’t want to ruin the holiday season for everyone (especially if the pair share kids). Also, people can be very selfish: they know their partners will have presents for them during the holidays, and they expect to receive those. I once knew a female who repeatedly dated people through the holidays entirely for the benefit of Christmas presents, only to break up with them come late February (i.e. post-Valentine’s Day presents).

The magic of generosity.

Again, people are selfish.

Having gone through a breakup last January, I’m not entirely surprised by this news. The two of us were excellent at parties, loved going shopping together, enjoyed making gifts for each other and had a great holiday season as a pair. That is, until right around this time of month when we remembered how many issues we had, and decided it was time to break up.

Don’t go being terrified of your relationship ending just yet, though (I’m sure you weren’t, but I figured I would say, “There, there” anyway). Obviously, there are reasons people break up far beyond what the calendar says, and your relationship isn’t in danger just because it’s cold and dim and depressing outside right now. People rarely end things without warning; there’s almost always some anticipation, whether it’s a ton of fighting or a loss of connectedness or a hurtful incident. In the event that none of these things have happened — or, if they have and the two of you totally worked it out — then try not to lose any sleep over this. If you and your partner have been fighting, then just try to communicate effectively about it together and discuss the issue rationally, deciding how best to move forward (if that is your choice).

Of course, if you do go through a breakup this month, we’re here for you, and will happily e-throw stale candy canes at your ex’s proverbial house.

Picture: Nickelodeon

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    • Candace

      On the bright side, it’s National Oatmeal Month.

      • Samantha_Escobar

        I literally always love your comments.