I have a confession to make, you guys. Ever since I got a job where I have to look at stories about her regularly, I’ve found Kristen Stewart irresistibly attractive. What is wrong with me? Let’s explore.
Let me begin by saying that I’m a mostly straight woman who only hooks up with women IRL on very special occasions. But human sexuality is vast and deep, and certainly allows for grey areas in which one might fantasize about same-sex encounters with celebrities they are never going to meet. Glad that’s settled. So why do I feel this way?
First, there’s the shallow reason that I just think she’s hot. This makes me feel like a fucking pedophile, as she’s mainly hot in a sullen, tomboyish, teenager-y sort of way. I want to slap that bitchy expression right off of her face…with my face. She pouts so well that she forces me to re-evaluate my entire stance on angry-looking people. As my friend Ahmad said, ”anyone can do a pout, but K-Stew really makes the pout straight up fucking celestial.” Word.
When not pouting, she is so goddamn coltish you just know she would be as lively in the bedroom as she is wooden onscreen. The more outwardly boring, the more inwardly freaky, right? I get the feeling she’d really give me “what for” in whatever advanced configuration we selected. Maybe she’d even smack me around a bit (but not too much) and spoon with me afterwards. Also, I tend to like men who are slightly older than me, so maybe it’s some type of role-reversal fantasy. (In reality, I’m only five years older than her, which makes it totally okay!)
K-Stew radiates a kind of androgynous energy that might not even be her doing, but which I find supremely hot nonetheless. By which I mean: she is pretty much a regular, cute, straight(???), cisgender young lady. But in a world where most Hollywood actresses put on an intense performance of gender as a matter of course, the one girl who doesn’t do it, the one who shows up to the red carpet in sneakers and hangs around in pants and hoodies during her off hours, is the one who comes off queer. Strange but sexy true. It also doesn’t hurt that she did a great job playing one of the sexiest soft butches of all time in The Runaways. Or how about this: an affinity for “the natural look” (which I realize comes with its own set of makeup) is just one kink of many, but happens to be one that I have.
There is also the fact that she seems not to give a fuck about the “being famous” part of her job. Normally I might chide someone who is bad at their job, but I agree with Fiona Apple that that world is bullshit and deserves to be reminded of it at every turn, so I’m turned on by her attitude. She is uncomfortable with the PR game in the way that most of us normal people imagine we would be, were we to suddenly become famous. She tries to smile, but more often just looks stoned, bored, or scared in pictures. And when those paparazzi photos of her smoking pot on her stoop in her pajamas surfaced, she was like, “yeah, I smoke weed, what of it?” You know who else smokes weed? Everyone.
Of course, there are those who would accuse her of being ungrateful for having one of the highest paid and admired jobs an American can have. And they’re probably right. But the majority of people also know what it’s like to kind of hate your job (or at least certain parts of it), despite knowing intellectually that it’s better than a lot of other jobs you could have. (Or no job at all.) I, myself know well what it’s like to care less and less each day, but not want to quit because you’re grateful someone hired you in the first place. And I know what it’s like to handle that in a really immature and passive aggressive way, because you are 22. Which, I hold, is what K-Stew did when she half-heartedly cheated on her fake boyfriend in front of the paparazzi. (Just kidding. I think it’s evidence that she is an evil genius.)
So there you have it: Kristen Stewart is the world’s most glamorous alienated worker, the half reasonable, half bratty, all human little wage slave in us all. I will leave you this additional pearl of truth from my friend Dana, which I think sums up the remaining balance of my soft spot for K-Stew:
She likes to party, and I mean, she’s clearly a bit of a hot mess in the dudes department. I bet she has a hard time getting laid and gets creepy on dudes, which makes me like her.
Girls can be creeps too, folks. Lord knows I have been one on occasion. And the reasons to love her just keep on piling up.
