Now that another Miss America has been crowned I fondly reflect on my short-lived pageant days.
Yes, I competed in a Miss America local, and a state preliminary. This was when I was young and innocent enough to assume I would become Miss America. That did not happen. Instead I went a on a wayward, yet interesting, path before eventually figuring out what I was going to do with my life.
That is to say – competing in those pageants made me a damn good stripper.
I applied just about everything I learned from prepping for Miss Nebraska to working at a strip club, and I paid off those pageant gowns in no time. How do they overlap, you might ask?
First, let’s cover a few basics on how Miss America (and pageants in general) work.
Miss America is not a beauty pageant. It is a scholarship pageant. There is no entry fee, unlike there are with other pageant systems, one being the more aesthetically pleasing Miss USA, run by Donald Trump. With the Miss America Organization, they put a lot of emphasis on brains before beauty. It’s an amazing opportunity for women to win scholarships to further their education.
You have to have a platform, a cause which you’re passionate about, such as diabetes, eating right, or something about helping the youth of America. Anything about helping youth, really. This factors into the interview portion of the score.
The private interview and onstage question together is 30% of your score.
Then there is Swimsuit, which is now called “Lifestyle and Fitness”, only 15% of the score which leaves a little room for cellulite.
Talent, 35%, which is good because everyone needs to have a party trick to pull out if necessary.
Evening Wear, 20%.
What does any of this have to do with being a good stripper? A lot.