how to get men to ask you on a date rather than hanging out

I know that a piece with the headline “how to get men to ask you on a date” is exactly the kind of thing we would normally make fun of, but, I mean, it seems like it’s bothering some people. Specifically the New York Times staff.

I’m not great at relationships, but the one thing that seems easy is getting people to ask you on a date. Literally everything else about them seems difficult except that.

Because all you really need to do to establish a date is, when someone says “we should hang out… sometime,” to reply “sure, I’m free Thursday.”

If you want to go crazy, hell, say you’re free that weekend. That gives them two entire days to plan anything. Two whole days. Just a vast expanse of time.

This person won’t necessarily follow up, because many times people have tiny little goldfish brains when it comes to making plans. And many people have always had those. That’s not a new thing. If you like going on dates, someone with a goldfish brain will not be the best person to date.

And many other times people just say “we should get coffee/hang out/whatever sometime” as a way to end a conversation. I’d say those people are jerks, except that I do that all the time, and I assume people understand what I am saying is “I want to leave now, goodbye forever.” I think there’s actually a possibility that, since jerks like me do this all the time, when you tell people “we should hang out… sometime” they do not read it so much as “you should ask me out” as “this is maybe a dismissal.”

But giving people a time frame does really up your odds of a date happening versus just saying “sure, sometime.” Or just texting people that you’re in their neighborhood. Or any of the other behaviors that don’t really result in dates. Look, this may mean that there is less instant gratification, but it’s not bad not to have instant gratification on all things all the time.

I once read somewhere that the act of actually traveling doesn’t make people much happier, but the act of planning trips does up people’s happiness level because it gives them something pleasurable to anticipate. In the same way, we have holidays, like Christmas, rather than just flinging unwrapped trinkets at one another’s heads at a random day in February. It’s because people like having something pleasurable to look forward to.

Like a date.

A date is like a wrapped present. A hook-up or random hang out is like a trinket thrown at your head somewhat unexpectedly. Both sound great, but in different ways.

Many men as well as women like looking forward to things.

But you do have to make it clear that you would like to go on a date, rather than just hang out randomly. Maybe that will scare people, but it’s not really that scary. You haven’t asked someone to punch a man on their way to work to prove their love for you (though that’s a topic you should absolutely, 100% bring up on your date, because real women make guys fight over them). Frankly, if you are someone who would like to go on a date, you should probably draw from a pool of people who do not find that scary. It will be a slightly smaller pool, but a slightly smaller pool is not the same thing as “you’re inevitably going to die alone, now.”

Well. Good. We solved romance. Well done, everyone.

Picture via Pleasantville

Elle

I am almost 22 years old and I have never in my life been asked on a date. It’s not that easy. Just saying.
- Anon
  
  Maybe it’s just you. Just saying.
- Elle
  
  Maybe it is just me, but guys have been obviously interested in me and they just never do anything about it. My friends tell me that it’s because I’m intimidating, being smart and pretty and funny, but I think that’s just something friends tell you to make you feel better about yourself.
- Lastango
  
  Have you done anything to get a clear idea idea of what men find attractive in women, and then taken inventory of yourself to see how you come across? And how that makes men feel when they’re around you?
- insanelady
  
  People do that?
- Lastango
  
  People who set out to solve the problem of eternal singlehood do. They take stock, and they make adjustments:
  
  http://datelikeagrownup.com/2010/08/why-do-men-find-me-scary/
  
  http://datelikeagrownup.com/2012/10/two-simple-things-smart-women-over-40-can-do-to-magnetize-men/
  
  That’s an example of how a woman can make changes to give men’s masculinity something feminine to engage with. Those women might have been interposing their own masculine traits as a barrier, or simply failing to make their feminine self available.
  That’s just one situation, and one approach. I’m not claiming it fits everyone. I’m citing it because Elle mentioned intimidation.
- insanelady
  
  I suppose I’m still young and naive enough to think I can just get away with being myself. I’m also single though.
- Lastango
  
  I think the idea behind this kind of advice is that it matters how you show your self.
  
  I’ll stick with the problem of career women coming across as intimidating, since that’s what we’re talking about here. A common complaint is that men flee from successful women. One woman wrote “the guys don’t give you long enough to figure out if you are really vulnerable deep down. They never hear the answer because they’re long gone.” Another said, “Every time I tell a guy what I do or where I went to school, he gets intimidated and so I never land a second date”.
  
  The problem isn’t the success, it’s that the men don’t see the female behind the success. When the masculine can’t find the feminine, the masculine disengages.
  
  http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/why-dont-men-like-smart-strong-successful-women/
  
  The folks who write on this topic, and on the lost art of courting, think there are fundamentals that attract men and women to each other, and problems happen when something interferes with that connection. They’re not asking us to change our inner self. They want us to think about whether we’re showing our prospective mates that there’s a match between what we offer and their needs.
Jessica

I’m 22 years old and have been asked on many dates. Jennifer is right, expressing interest in going on a date is key.
anna

or another option: ask them on a date. i’m 20, and recently realized i could do was possible.
i messaged a boy and said “hey, i really liked meeting you. i think you’re funny and cute and we should go on a real date” (boys often have tiny goldfish brains which makes being clear and to the point essential)
and guess what? he said yes!! and we had a wonderful date. more to come.
don’t be afraid ladies!
- Lastango
  
  Laura Doyle would agree. She suggests saying some version of, “I’d really like it if you asked me out sometime”.
- sabrina
  
  that is so clever. will defintley use that in the future.
- libba
  
  yeah, asking a boy out was the scariest thing ever. but it actually ended well!! i forget sometimes, boys are shy too. especially around beautiful girls.
MR

I never found a woman, who I was interested in and who was interested in me, conceal it from me.
Lo

I used to scratch cryptic messages into guys’ belongings, and once or twice I hired some burly gentlemen to ‘casually’ suggest to certain targets that I might like to go on a date if approached in a timely manner. There was also that incident with the sky-writer. Eventually, though, I figured out that if you’re a woman who wants to go on a date with a man, the least silly method is to ask him out yourself.
http://www.facebook.com/MatthewMcVeagh Matthew McVeagh

Well written Jennifer. I particularly like “it’s not bad not to have instant gratification on all things all the time.” – classic sentence! ;)

I recently asked someone out on a date, and when she said no I wondered if she had understood exactly what I’d imagined. That it would be a pre-arranged occasion, an ‘appointment’ if you will, intended to be fun for both but with no commitment to anything further. That it was not saying “Would you like to go out with me?” but it was a request for a definite meeting up rather than a vague ‘hang-out’ as described in that New York Times piece. The purpose being to see how well we got on, on our own without other people around, see how much we had in common, how well we gelled. In a sense it’s a mutual job interview. :) Just with (hopefully) a totally different vibe and power dynamic between the two sides.
lee

i have a question for jennifer: i’ve gotten past the first 2 dates, maybe 3, but now i have no plans for a 3rd/4th date. how do i make this happen. we have plans to have plans if you will but i fear we’re slipping into hangout hell

TheGloss

How To Get Men To Ask You On A Date (Seriously)