I know that a piece with the headline “how to get men to ask you on a date” is exactly the kind of thing we would normally make fun of, but, I mean, it seems like it’s bothering some people. Specifically the New York Times staff.
I’m not great at relationships, but the one thing that seems easy is getting people to ask you on a date. Literally everything else about them seems difficult except that.
Because all you really need to do to establish a date is, when someone says “we should hang out… sometime,” to reply “sure, I’m free Thursday.”
If you want to go crazy, hell, say you’re free that weekend. That gives them two entire days to plan anything. Two whole days. Just a vast expanse of time.
This person won’t necessarily follow up, because many times people have tiny little goldfish brains when it comes to making plans. And many people have always had those. That’s not a new thing. If you like going on dates, someone with a goldfish brain will not be the best person to date.
And many other times people just say “we should get coffee/hang out/whatever sometime” as a way to end a conversation. I’d say those people are jerks, except that I do that all the time, and I assume people understand what I am saying is “I want to leave now, goodbye forever.” I think there’s actually a possibility that, since jerks like me do this all the time, when you tell people “we should hang out… sometime” they do not read it so much as “you should ask me out” as “this is maybe a dismissal.”
But giving people a time frame does really up your odds of a date happening versus just saying “sure, sometime.” Or just texting people that you’re in their neighborhood. Or any of the other behaviors that don’t really result in dates. Look, this may mean that there is less instant gratification, but it’s not bad not to have instant gratification on all things all the time.
I once read somewhere that the act of actually traveling doesn’t make people much happier, but the act of planning trips does up people’s happiness level because it gives them something pleasurable to anticipate. In the same way, we have holidays, like Christmas, rather than just flinging unwrapped trinkets at one another’s heads at a random day in February. It’s because people like having something pleasurable to look forward to.
Like a date.
A date is like a wrapped present. A hook-up or random hang out is like a trinket thrown at your head somewhat unexpectedly. Both sound great, but in different ways.
Many men as well as women like looking forward to things.
But you do have to make it clear that you would like to go on a date, rather than just hang out randomly. Maybe that will scare people, but it’s not really that scary. You haven’t asked someone to punch a man on their way to work to prove their love for you (though that’s a topic you should absolutely, 100% bring up on your date, because real women make guys fight over them). Frankly, if you are someone who would like to go on a date, you should probably draw from a pool of people who do not find that scary. It will be a slightly smaller pool, but a slightly smaller pool is not the same thing as “you’re inevitably going to die alone, now.”
Well. Good. We solved romance. Well done, everyone.
Picture via Pleasantville