No Problem

dinner
INT. RESTAURANT. EVENING.

DINER (A young man. Fleece jacket. Sideswept hair. Aggressively casual attitude. You know the type) with COMPANION is sitting at a table covered in empty dishes. They are clearly waiting for the bill. A WAITER (Tall. Heavy-lidded eyes. Wears a half-smile) walks past. The DINER raises a finger.

DINER
Oh hey, man. Can we get the check whenever you have a sec? No rush.

WAITER
Yeah, no worries, man. Get it to you in a minute.

DINER
No biggie.

[The two of them lock eyes and realize something Important is taking place.]

WAITER
(slowly, significantly)
It’s nothing.

DINER
Don’t worry about it. Whenever you get to it.

WAITER
Not a problem. Not a problem at all. No trouble getting it for you.

DINER
(spreading hands out in front of him)
I’m easy.

WAITER
(forcing a smile)
It’s all good. All good. Not a hassle.

DINER
Oh, don’t even think about it.

WAITER
Sure thing.

[The COMPANION, watching this, grows increasingly concerned, but says nothing.
This is a matter for the DINER and the WAITER to settle.]

DINER
It’s cool, bro.

WAITER
Don’t mention it. No trouble for me.

DINER
It’s all chill in the hills, man.

WAITER
No probs, dude. Don’t sweat it.

DINER
It’s all right. Doesn’t matter.

WAITER
You’re safe, little dude. No hassle.

DINER
Well, I fucking literally do not care at all.

WAITER
Great. Because I don’t give a shit.

DINER
(leaning across the table)
This interaction is entirely meaningless to me.

WAITER
Great. I have no emotional investment in this.

DINER
I could not possibly care less about the outcome.

WAITER
(leaning in, matching the DINER’s stare. The WAITER’s tie is now dangling in the remnants of the DINER’s soup. Neither of them blink.)
Just staying relaxed. And that’s a fact.

COMPANION
(worried)
Guys, is there a problem with the bill or –

WAITER/DINER
(shouting; in unison)
NO PROBLEM.

DINER
NBD, little buddy. N…B…D…

WAITER
(Leaning in closer. Their foreheads are now touching.)
nnnnnnnnnnnbbbbbbbbbbbbbdddddddddddddddddd.

DINER
(hissing)
nehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[Neither moves. Neither blinks. We fade out to BLACK.]

[Image via Wikimedia Commons]

Share This Post:
    • Candace

      This was very Portlandia.

    • Helen

      HAHA lovely

    • Nikki

      This somehow reminds me of one of my favorite plays (which falsely implies that I read lots of plays; I just really like this one), The Bald Soprano by Eugene Ionesco. It contains a lot of non-sensical redundant banter. Super fun and quick read and you can read it online if you google it :)

    • swirrlygrrl

      MELIS!!!!!!