• Thu, Jan 24 2013

Illustrated Guide: How To Stick With Your New Year’s Resolution And Actually Lose Weight

So, it’s late January. As such, one’s dedication to one’s New Year’s resolution has begun to waver. You see the herds thinning at the gym, the extra straws at the juice counter. People are losing their resolve. Their meat/dairy/gluten-banning, raw-food hoovering, high protein, low glycemic and all around extreme diets have turned out to be… unrealistic.

That’s why I’ve decided to step in and help!

As a lady blogger, I owe it to the world to help my fellow ladies stick to their New Year’s resolutions and actually lose weight. That’s why I’ve put together this fantastically simple, easy-to-follow Illustrated Guide. I’ll show you the steps it takes to really commit… in order to see real results.

Hear that? Actual weight loss. Finally.

First:

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Throw out all of your food. Don’t donate it to a food bank or anything; you don’t want to undermine some poor person’s New Year’s resolution.

New Years Resolutions

Next, cut out your tongue. Who needs that pesky hotbed of tastebuds anyway? The tongue is a diet’s number one saboteur.

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Once the bleeding has stopped, find your town or city’s food supply and raze it to the ground.

Don’t forget to sow the fields with salt…

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If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right.

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If struck by a snacking urge, resist the temptation of sugary and fatty treats with autocannibalism. How could it have calories if it’s already part of you?

Fight cravings with logic.

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When finally unable to subsist on your own snacking parts, feed only on dog meat in the dead of night.

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While diet equipment can get expensive–blenders, juicers, blow–one perpetually sound investment is a buzz saw. By removing your hands–or, what’s left of them after all that autocannibalism–you make yourself virtually incapable of mindless snacking (often the downfall of even the most dedicated dieters).

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Find a chic replacement for your hands, like these on-trend metal hooks.

New Years Resolutions

Finally, enjoy a healthy and delicious kebab with fresh veggies and lean protein. You deserve it!

New Years Resolutions

Finally, when bikini season comes around, always remember that the secret to real beauty is confidence.

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  • Lyle

    I love a good ‘sowing the fields with salt’ joke.

  • katie

    Never change, Cardiff.

  • Elsa

    If you take out all the violence and maiming and field salt sowing, this actually pretty perfectly mimics the voice of every lady mag diet piece ever. It’s like, “brush your teeth when you get hungry,” “drink water to feel full,” “eat only salad with fish or chicken” and ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT INNER BEAUTY IS WHAT MATTERS AND BE CONFIDENT AND BLAH BLAH BLAH.

    Anyway, you’re good at being really disturbing that way.

  • Gabbi

    The autocannibalism tipp is brilliant, though I should probably add, that you mustn’t take salt or condiments. So make sure to wash off that sowing salt before hand.

    • Tania

      Great advice! Salt can make you bloated, after all.

  • jamiepeck

    This all seems like sound logic to me.