• Thu, Jan 24 2013

Bullish Q&A: When You’ve Been Cheated On and Now Hate Everyone

Why Do Men Cheat

Jennifer Dziura writes career and life advice weekly on TheGloss. Here is an archive, and here is an archive of Bullish columns from our sister site TheGrindstone.

Oh no! Here’s a letter from a young woman who has been scorned!

I have been cheated on before and kept in the dark about it for 2 months. I feel like every guy who I am with will cheat on me, and I need to just protect myself or be cynically prepared. Any advice on insecurity/paranoia and not letting it ruin my career/life?

First off, that’s terrible! I hope you have friends who will tell you this in person: That’s terrible! I’m so sorry! (Hugs, ice cream, vodka!) You don’t deserve this!

I assume you’ve broken up with this person. Please never sleep with him again. (See Bullish Life: Breaking Up is Hard to Do — Do Not Touch the Phone When You’re Drunk.) I really mean that. It would be better to find a random guy in a bar and say, “I’m kind of tempted to sleep with my ex-boyfriend who cheated on me, but I shouldn’t, right? You look like a nice guy. Maybe I should sleep with you instead,” and then see what happens, even though that is also not a great idea. I’m just giving it for emphasis. Do not reward cheaters.

That said, you do not need to worry that every guy you are with will cheat on you.

Share This Post:
  • Nymph1816

    The part about not rewarding a cheater is great. I almost exclusively have been cheated on in my relationships. Never again! If it happens again I’m going to yell at them in the most cathartic way possible and then just be done with it. Also, even if you are into a sexy-claiming-thing I think it would probably be best in the beginning of the relationship, when you start calling him your boyfriend or lover or whatever, to say, “I really like being with you, I think we should have a closed relationship. I’ve been cheated on before and I want it to be explicitly clear that I can’t be in a relationship with someone who is unfaithful.” It’s quick and very clear, and after he says he understands you can change the subject entirely.

    • http://www.youtube.com/user/SirWinstoneChurchill Winston Blake

      Monogamy is an artificial creation of religion.

    • Jennifer Dziura

      Monogamy is actually one of the many things that the wide variety of people on Earth are into. Polygamy is cool, too.

      Just because religion has been used to enforce monogamy doesn’t negate the fact that a lot of people are really oriented towards it, and a lot of people aren’t. I’m all about telling people upfront what you’re into.

      I am an atheist, as I imagine you are, and I think the appropriate response to religious autocracy is not to do exactly the opposite of everything religion says, but to treat religion as irrelevant, and consider the data from there.

    • http://www.youtube.com/user/SirWinstoneChurchill Winston Blake

      Animals do not get married.

      Mammalian evolution is heterosexual.

    • http://www.facebook.com/jess.mccloskey Jess McCloskey

      Animals don’t get married, no, but plenty form lifelong partnerships that are monogamous in nature.

      Evolution may be heterosexual, but that does not mean that all of mammalian sexual contact is heterosexual. Many animals–including humans–enjoy homosexual contact.

      Religion has very little to do with it. Some people find monogamy to be a natural state. You can’t really say “…are more the natural state” unless you have some scientific evidence that no one else has access to. And if you do, you should really share that out.

    • http://www.youtube.com/user/SirWinstoneChurchill Winston Blake

      Animals do not get married… Primates are not monogamous in nature.

      You are an epic failure in evolutionary science and never bothered to read Darwin.

      (Mammals have evolved heterosexually for millions of years… Meiosis is a much more evolved process than mitosis.)

      Homosexuals desire their own extinction and Muslims are willing to give it to them.

      (I simply refuse to interfere, I will not defend you from the Muslims – - I do not have to.)

      Polyandry and Polygyny are more the natural state of evolution.

      The Koran permits a man to have four wives.

      I have a somewhat Hindu philosophy…

      If you have intercourse with someone’s anus, you will be reincarnated as a pile of dung.

      If four women freely choose the same man, who should complain but the man?

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sStExSxmPuE

    • http://www.facebook.com/MatthewMcVeagh Matthew McVeagh

      “If four women freely choose the same man, who should complain but the man?”

      Well feminists for a start – you’re assuming they’re ‘freely’ choosing to marry the same bloke but actually there could be major familial, social, cultural and economic pressures to do so. In case you hadn’t noticed, Muslim society is ooh just a little bit patriarchal? (As well as homphobic, in which you seem to want to join them.) It’s a lot easier to attach yourself to a well-off man – and they generally are the more well-off who can afford four wives – than to try to survive as a single or widowed woman in those societies.

      I don’t call myself a feminist as I define feminism as a “movement for women by women”, and I am a man, but I certainly agree with and support this view from an anti-sexist point of view. I want to see a society in which all are not only equal in value irrespective of gender but equally empowered to maintain their own livelihood without depending on a relationship to a particular individual. I would prefer for instance if everyone’s economic security was safeguarded by their community, rather than spouse, the state or the market. Let’s see how much of this ‘natural’ polygamy happens then.

      And BTW marriage to more than one wife is still actually a minority in the Muslim world, the massive majority of Muslim men want an single wife (and thus monogamy officially at any rate – however much some of them might be cheating).

      “I have a somewhat Hindu philosophy… If you have intercourse with someone’s anus, you will be reincarnated as a pile of dung.”

      Following that thinking, if you just have ‘normal’ heterosexual sex do you end up reincarnated as a cat?

      :/

    • http://www.youtube.com/user/SirWinstoneChurchill Winston Blake

      Monogamy is religious nonsense from the churches.

      If you have to tell grown men that babies do not come from the anus, there is no hope for any rational discourse.

    • http://www.facebook.com/MatthewMcVeagh Matthew McVeagh

      Marriage is not the only form of monogamy… hey I’m just reiterating what other repliers have said again.

      “Mammalian evolution is heterosexual” is a bit problematic. Heterosexual sex is the natural biological way procreation has happened, but this does not mean homosexuality has not arisen within evolution. Many are now thinking it has. Certainly there is abundant evidence of it in contemporary animals. There is no need for 100% heterosexuality to keep a species going, there are even some theories that explain how a minority of homosexuality may help a species’ survival.

      As the slogan has it: “Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is found in one.” Homosexuality is natural, homophobia is unnatural.

      In fact I think homophobia is an artificial creation of religion. I therefore find it ironic when atheist opponents of religion oppose something like monogamy on grounds of its creation by religion, and then turn out to be homophobic.

      As for “Polyandry and polygyny are more the natural state”, I find it interesting you say “more”. If “Monogamy is an artificial creation of religion” then it is *never* the natural state, and polygamy is *always* the natural state, yes? Yet you seem to be backsliding a little on your feelings about monogamy with that “more”.

    • http://www.youtube.com/user/SirWinstoneChurchill Winston Blake

      Mammalian evolution is heterosexual.

      Animals do not get “married.”

      Monogamy is religious nonsense.

      born gay = birth defect

    • http://whatsongisinthatcommercial.com/ Jessica Thompson

      What does that have to do with lying? There are plenty of women open to casual dating or polyamory, situations in which the man could have more than one sex partner.

    • http://www.youtube.com/user/SirWinstoneChurchill Winston Blake
    • http://www.facebook.com/MatthewMcVeagh Matthew McVeagh

      I’d say enforced monogamy originated with religion, but this doesn’t mean people don’t sometimes want it anyway. You know what, this is pretty much what Jen said in reply, I had an idea I was going to say something distinctive but I guess not. :)

    • http://www.youtube.com/user/SirWinstoneChurchill Winston Blake

      “I’d say enforced monogamy originated with religion, but this doesn’t mean people don’t sometimes want it anyway.”

      -

      Just like I said earlier:

      The greatest knot upon the liberty of all European people is the praeterpolitical power of the churches to institute monogamy as an ecclesiastic rule of law, thereby enabling them to determine the legitimacy of the succession of the pagan kings, abrogate the natural rights to property and self-defense, as well as power of ecclesiastic censure for divorce.

      The government of men’s external actions by religion, pretending the change of nature in their consecrations cannot be esteemed a work extraordinary, it is no other than a conjuration or incantation, whereby they would have men to believe an alteration of nature that is contrary to the testimony of sight and of all the rest of the senses…

      The idea “thou shalt marry and be given in marriage” is corrupt and degenerate, which is an impossible immortality of a kind (i.e., eternal love), but not of the persons of men.

      Ecclesiastics would have men believe they will receive condign punishment for their contumacy of monogamy, as opposed to the freedom of the polygamy found in nature, which is inherently pagan.

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/SirWinstoneChurchill Winston Blake

    Monogamy is for religious idiots.

    The greatest knot upon the liberty of all European people is the praeterpolitical power of the churches to institute monogamy as an ecclesiastic rule of law, thereby enabling them to determine the legitimacy of the succession of the pagan kings, abrogate the natural rights to property and self-defense as well as power of ecclesiastic censure for divorce.

    The government of men’s external actions by religion, pretending the change of nature in their consecrations cannot be esteemed a work extraordinary, it is no other than a conjuration or incantation, whereby they would have men to believe an alteration of nature that is contrary to the testimony of sight and of all the rest of the senses…

    The idea “thou shalt marry and be given in marriage” is corrupt and degenerate, which is an impossible immortality of a kind (i.e., eternal love), but not of the persons of men.

    Ecclesiastics would have men believe they will receive condign punishment for their contumacy of monogamy, as opposed to the freedom of the polygamy found in nature, which is inherently pagan.

  • sabrina

    I was cheated on constantly for a year and a half out of a 4 year realtionship with a guy i was engaged to. (i’m 22)
    i was just now thinking about that, feeling sick to my stomach, and generally hating him and life and myself.
    this made me feel a little bit better.

    • http://www.youtube.com/user/SirWinstoneChurchill Winston Blake

      Monogamy is for religious nut cases…

    • TB

      You, Winston, are beginning to sound a bit like a nutcase.

    • http://www.youtube.com/user/SirWinstoneChurchill Winston Blake

      You must be a religious phaggot.

    • http://whatsongisinthatcommercial.com/ Jessica Thompson

      Yeah, you look totally insane. I wouldn’t have responded to you if I had scrolled down first and seen you were just repeatedly trolling.

    • http://www.youtube.com/user/SirWinstoneChurchill Winston Blake
  • libba

    question, what if you CANNOT get over cheating? i was cheated on by someone who i really thought was my soul mate. I didn’t think it was humanly possible to love someone that much.
    it’s been over a year and i cannot fucking move on. i’ve had boyfriends and dates and fun but at least once every hour i think about it and feel sick. i cry at least once a week over it. i’ve tried everything.

    • Jennifer Dziura

      Hi, Libba. I know what you mean. People sometimes talk about broken hearts, and I remember feeling like that metaphor was completely inadequate, like my heart was butter smeared across asphalt: there’s no gluing that back together. But I do have an answer for you. You will probably think about this guy for a very long time. But eventually, you will realize that you are a different person and that, after such a long time, so is he, probably. And that it really is just as bad as you feel it is now, and just as bad as you probably told him at the time. What he did really did kill the person he was with; he crushed her and she is gone. But you will become a new and different person, and ultimately it will feel as though what he did wasn’t to you, but to a sort of strange cousin you’ve fallen out of touch with. You don’t have to “get over it” or forgive or go through some wrenching, deliberate process. Just keep doing other things, and you’ll become that new, different, other, wiser, distanced self.

    • http://www.youtube.com/user/SirWinstoneChurchill Winston Blake

      The idea “thou shalt marry and be given in marriage” is corrupt and degenerate, which is an impossible immortality of a kind (i.e., eternal love), but not of the persons of men.

  • http://whatsongisinthatcommercial.com/ Jessica Thompson

    One thing I would add to not rewarding a cheater–that should also go for guys you aren’t dating. So if you decide to pick up a random guy at a bar for a one-night-stand, ask if he has a girlfriend first. You might be looking for a fling, but if you help him cheat, even unknowingly, that rewards cheating, too.