• Sat, Jan 26 2013

Possible Sequels To Hansel And Gretel: Witch Hunters

hansel

Hollywood cannot keep up with our demand for dark and gritty reimaginings of beloved fairy tales. The last few years have given us Terry Gilliam’s The Brothers Grimm, Twilight’s Snow White and the Huntsman, and now Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters. Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters is a movie in which Hansel now suffers from witch-candy-induced diabetes (“Hansel is also inflicted with…”sugar sickness” — and periodically slumps into a coma until he self-administers an injection through his britches). There is no turning back. Every year will bring darker and grittier fairy tales, until they become so dark it is impossible to watch them without night-vision goggles. Here is a taste of what we have to look forward to:

Hansel and Gretel: Wait, I Think We’ve Mixed Up Our Leather Jerkins Again. That’s Definitely My Jerkin Because It’s Got The Anachronistic Timepiece Attached To It. They’re Both Covered In Mud.

Vampires: Rapunzel Hunters

Hansel and Gretel: Snow White Edition

Taken 3: They Have Taken Hansel and Gretel but Liam Neeson Needs a Minute to Catch His Breath, Just One Goddamn Minute Please

Hansel and Gretel: Corpse Bride: A Disneyland Ride Brought to you by: Tim Burton: Brought to you by: Pepsi: Brought to you by: Daniel Day-Lewis

Hansel and Gretel: Heidi’s Revenge

Just Put Arrows And A Blue Filter On Everything

Sleeping Beauty: The Enragening

Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunger Games

Transformers 4: What They Transform Into Is Hansel, But Metal Hansel

Jack and the Beanstalk: Taylor Swift Covered In Sand, Just Straight Murders Everyone With Her Teeth

[Image via Wikimedia Commons]

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