We talk about my diet and my mood, my medical history. I fill out a survey about depression. It depresses me. He shines that beady little light into my eyes and ears and even makes me stick out my tongue and say â€śAHâ€ť like they do in the movies. Sometimes he interrupts me. He asks if I have a regular non-OB GYN, and I tell him heâ€™s it. I havenâ€™t been for a checkup since high school and I have no excuse. Really, he says, thereâ€™s nothing to be done until he looks at my blood. Thatâ€™s the easy part because I donâ€™t have to think anymore. The nurse taking my blood is a man who wears jeans and a sweatshirt and seems a little lost. He might be new. All of this is moderately off-putting and I donâ€™t look when the needle goes in.
Three days later, I get an email from my doctor, telling me my results are back and everything looks normal.
Since I sleep for approximately fifteen hours every single Saturday (freedom to be the kind of person I need to be!) I have thought a lot about reasons I am so tired. These are reasons I have devised. This girl (or you) can pick from this list.
- You have anemia
- You have a deviated septum
- You have some sort of cocaine related sleep disorder despite never doing cocaine
- Monsters under your bed keep waking you up
- You are an alcoholic
- You stopped drinking alcohol and now you lie awake thinking terrible things.
- You have night terrors
- You have some sort of delayed REM cycle
- You are addicted to Xanax
- You are addicted to ambien
- You are addicted to sugar
- You are a smoker
- You are addicted to sleeping
- You are afraid of literally everything in the world, and that is exhausting
- You are afraid of your own possibilities
- Life is such a goddamn bore.
- Soft pillows
- Pillows like sleeping on a duck
- A fuzzy duck
- You aren’t eating enough
- You are eating too much
- You should eat only kale and acai berries
- You were never destined for this wakeful world. You belong to a time of fainting couches and siestas. You have been cheated by God.