We talk about my diet and my mood, my medical history. I fill out a survey about depression. It depresses me. He shines that beady little light into my eyes and ears and even makes me stick out my tongue and say “AH” like they do in the movies. Sometimes he interrupts me. He asks if I have a regular non-OB GYN, and I tell him he’s it. I haven’t been for a checkup since high school and I have no excuse. Really, he says, there’s nothing to be done until he looks at my blood. That’s the easy part because I don’t have to think anymore. The nurse taking my blood is a man who wears jeans and a sweatshirt and seems a little lost. He might be new. All of this is moderately off-putting and I don’t look when the needle goes in.
Three days later, I get an email from my doctor, telling me my results are back and everything looks normal.
Since I sleep for approximately fifteen hours every single Saturday (freedom to be the kind of person I need to be!) I have thought a lot about reasons I am so tired. These are reasons I have devised. This girl (or you) can pick from this list.
- You have anemia
- You have a deviated septum
- You have some sort of cocaine related sleep disorder despite never doing cocaine
- Monsters under your bed keep waking you up
- You are an alcoholic
- You stopped drinking alcohol and now you lie awake thinking terrible things.
- You have night terrors
- You have some sort of delayed REM cycle
- You are addicted to Xanax
- You are addicted to ambien
- You are addicted to sugar
- You are a smoker
- You are addicted to sleeping
- You are afraid of literally everything in the world, and that is exhausting
- You are afraid of your own possibilities
- Life is such a goddamn bore.
- Soft pillows
- Pillows like sleeping on a duck
- A fuzzy duck
- You aren’t eating enough
- You are eating too much
- You should eat only kale and acai berries
- You were never destined for this wakeful world. You belong to a time of fainting couches and siestas. You have been cheated by God.