Dating Hijinks: ‘Oh Wow, I Thought You’d Have Cellulite But You Don’t’

cottage-cheeseOn Wednesdays, Amanda Chatel will be sharing stories about her strange, fascinating and sometimes wonderful dating life. If it makes you want to date, check out TheGloss dating page.

Just when I think men are angels (which happens sometimes, rarely, but still), I get an email from a reader about a date she had and I just shake my head and weep for us all. The same day I got this, I also received an email from our reader and regular commenter Alle, who received a message on OKCupid from a John Wayne Gacy groupie. Actually, the dude is more than a groupie, he’s obsessed… as his photo of him outside of Gacy’s house proves. I’m not sure why someone would post a photo of themselves outside of a serial killer’s house on a dating site, but I guess some ladies are into that.

Now here we have a tale from Jessie. She actually sent me to two tales that made me drop  my head into my hands and just wonder. That’s all I could really do: wonder. I’m saving her other story for later on at some point.

I had been on about four dates with a dreamboat I met on the train, when I invited him over to my apartment for dinner and some Netflix. It was the holidays and my roommates were all out of town; it was the perfect recipe for seduction.

About two hours into him being over, it started to snow furiously. It was about then that I was beginning to realize he was not as dreamy as I had once thought. Red flags began to go up: he began speaking in baby talk (the bane of my existence), openly talking about our wedding, and telling me to “get him” things.

As time went on, it became apparent that due to the weather he was not going to be able to go anywhere, and I began to get nervous. I changed into some comfortable (read: completely unsexy) pajamas and when I emerged, my suitor began to lay the romance on thick.

Him: “Oh wow, I thought you would have cellulite but you don’t.”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Him: “No, it’s just that most thick girls — it looks good in their pants, but when they take them off it’s all cellulite. You don’t have that, you look nice.”

And with that he completed that sweet gesture by kissing me on the forehead and telling me to get him some more wine.

As the evening went on I began to panic a little more as he became more and more unpredictable and the snow raged on. I decided the best course of action would be honesty, and after removing his wandering hand from my thigh a third time I announced that I would not be having sex with him this evening or anytime soon. This did not deter him; he began begging me in a baby voice, which gave me a giant case of the heebies.

Out of frustration and a little fear I semi -yelled, “I said NO!” He looked at me, smirked, and actually said, “Some times no means yes”. After my blood returned to a normal temperature I informed him this was certainly not one of these times, and that unfortunately my offer to stay through the storm had expired and he had to go.

He lectured me for about an hour about how I was a tease, had a problem with sex, and my personal favorite, “shouldn’t invite someone over it I didn’t intend to follow through.”  He left shortly thereafter. For a few months after that, every two weeks or so, I’d get a text as if we were in a relationship and nothing went awry that evening. So, I know he didn’t die in the blizzard.

Aww, that’s nice that he’s still alive and out there giving women really bad compliments! I once knew this jackass whose only compliment he ever gave me in all the time we were hanging out was “you don’t have cellulite.” I remember being stunned and really taking a moment to fully contemplate exactly why the fuck I make such poor decisions when it comes to guys.

But back you, my beloved readers, can you top this one in the compliment category? Maybe you’ve been told something equally offensive that was supposed to be nice, but was just stupidly lame? Do tell:

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    • Sean

      I realize this is a question for Alle, but I’ll post anyways in case she sees it…if this was the fourth date, was this fucktard different on the first three? I mean, was he polite and a gentleman before this?

      • Jessie

        He was a TOTAL Gentleman. That is the major reason I felt safe inviting him over to my apartment, knowing no one would be home to rescue me if I needed it. I was beyond blindsided.

      • Sean

        Sorry Alle, misread the preamble.

        Jessie, wow. I’m sorry this happened. Maybe it might help to have a friend who lives nearby do a safety call to you at some point when you have a new person over? I used to do that when I lived close to female friends. She’d give me the heads up to call in say, an hour afterwards, and when I called she could hint that things were going bad, and I would (surprise surprise) pop by to say hello. That would be the cue for her date to leave. (I’m not really menacing, but it works.)

      • Alle

        I don’t understand. I didn’t go one date with the serial killer groupie, let alone four.

      • Alle

        I don’t understand. I didn’t go one date with the serial killer groupie, let alone four.

      • Amanda Chatel

        Sorry to drag you into this, Alle. BUT HOW COULD I NOT?! Love you A-Dawg!

      • Alle

        Love you too, Skippy! I mean, I titled the email “If I’m serial murdered, please show the police this picture because I’m pretty sure this guy did it.” If that’s not screaming to be shared, I don’t know what is.

      • Amanda Chatel

        Hearts x 1000.

    • b3v

      hmmm you are tempting me… “But back you, my beloved readers, can you top this one in the compliment category? Maybe you’ve been told something equally offensive that was supposed to be nice, but was just stupidly lame?”

    • Amy

      Maybe I’m just a lot more rage-y than most women but that asshole would have been out of there the moment he referred to me as a ‘thick girl’. I really don’t care about dicks getting stuck in the snow – I’m sure there was a cafe somewhere nearby he could have sat in. As for spending an hour listening to him complain about her being a tease and having issues with sex, WTF!!

      Maybe I missed something and Jessie was really really afraid of this guy but otherwise I would suggest that young womem like her need to be more assertive, from a safety perspective if nothing else. With some men, if they think they can bully and belittle you and you’ll just take it it’s an indicator to them that they can take it further and you’ll just take that too. Also, from a self-esteem point of view you really shouldn’t just sit there and listen to some asshole denigrate you and your sexuality for an HOUR after you’d asked him to go. Just get up, walk to the door, open it and say “You’ve overstayed your welcome and I’ve asked you to leave, can you please go now.”

      • Jessie

        I was actually pretty terrified. He had about 100 pounds and ove a foot on me, and was very very erratic and angry. Everyone I knew was out of town, and I wasn’t sure how long it would take the police to get to me (because of the storm) should it have come to that. I felt my options were limited. I was as assertive and confrontational as I thought was safe, believe me – I am no shrinking violet. I was also completely caught off guard as we had been out 4 times previously and he was a complete and total gentleman and polite and chivalrous as could be. NOT that that excuses his behavior IN THE LEAST, but when he said the thing about me being thick – I saw it as a completely misguided attempt at an actual compliment and was more dumbfounded than anything. When I finally realized he wasn’t going to actually act on his delusional sense of entitlement and rage, I did just that. Marched over to the door and sent him on his way.

    • Ange

      The most bizarre “compliment” I’ve been paid by a suitor was this: “You have the filet mignon of pussies. It’s warm and juicy and perfectly proportioned.” No lie.

    • Erin

      Mid coitus: “You and [my best friend's name] are both so hot.”

      Like. Are you kidding me. I will never get over this moment.

    • Tania

      It wasn’t someone I was dating, but my sister. She has DD boobs and like, 30 inch hips. I have A cups and 38 inch hips. But we have the same waist measurement of ~25 inches. She said to me “If we took my top half and your bottom half, we’d have a normal sized person.”

      I had to point out to her that she just told me I had tiny boobs and a fat ass, and that she just said she has huge boobs and a tiny ass.