• Thu, Jan 31 2013

If You Do Not Click On This Post Right Now, Jennifer Will Begin Murdering Adorable Baby Animals

These guys are in danger of not getting to live this month because we haven’t hit our page-view goals:

kittens

We just had a big meeting, you see, and our big, scary parent company threatened to pull the plug on us unless we get 10,000 people to visit the site in the next six hours. They do not understand that women’s media is hard!

Rather than calling a brainstorming sesh to come up with ideas for stories that a lot of people might want to read, Jennifer just kind of snapped, and reached for the nearest sharp implement.

“If we do not hit our pageview goals, I am going to kill all the animals!” she shrieked, demonstrating what she meant on a PeTA calendar depicting a rescue horse.

horsemurder

She made a throat-cutting motion with her free hand, just to let us know she meant business.  ”I’m sorry it’s come to this, but I don’t know any other way to get through to you people,” she continued, snapping back to an eerie state of calm. Satisfied her point was totes clear, she clicked out with the confident, maniacal walk of a cartoon Disney villain.

I know I could probably lose my job for this, but as The Gloss’ resident animal rights advocate, I cannot remain silent. So, if you love kittens (see how hard they are working to be super cute for you?), puppies,

puppy

ponies in sweaters,

scotlandGrumpy Cat,

grumpy

tarsiers,tarsier

and whatever else she can get her terrifyingly resourceful hands on, will you please take a moment out of your busy day to click several hundred times on each of the following stories?:

It Happened To Me: I Anally Freebased Twenty Ounces Of Crack Cocaine

I Did A Morally Reprehensible Thing To Get Something I Wanted And I’m Totally Not Sorry

Have You Aligned Your Chakras Lately?

You don’t even have to read them. Pretty please with some bangin’ ass magical pink frosting on top? If you don’t, all of these innocent creatures’ blood will essentially be on your hands (whoops!) and you wouldn’t want that, now would you?

(Via xojane)

Photos: Wikipedia, GrumpyCat, Scotland, Jennifer Wright

Share This Post:
  • disqus_XpYoybmtyK

    wait, is xojane or the gloss in trouble?

    • Sarah

      I am also confused. I followed the link to xojane, and their site would suggest xojane is in trouble.

    • Sabrina

      Hmmmm so is this a sarcastic take on xojane? I’ll begin my investigation over at xojane now… will report back later. (Sidenote: the day The Gloss goes under is the day I just throw my computer out the window and proceed to scream maniacally at everyone who walks by. So, don’t go away Gloss, don’t go away)

    • Amanda Chatel

      I approve this message.

    • Sabrina

      Mmmm I see, xojane needs clicks to get their bonuses. Well done, Gloss, well done.

  • AmbienceChaser

    I totally clicked that thing and now I feel cheated. I was upset about it for a minute, but then I saw that tarsier thing, and now I’m just all about the tarsiers.

    • http://twitter.com/JenAshleyWright Jennifer Wright

      They are so great. I really want a pet, lately. A Tarsier, specifically. (Also, this is Jamie making fun of XOJane’s absurd attempt to get clicks, a thing I am not doing, because I have a heart full of love).

    • Amanda Chatel

      You can babysit Hubbell. He lives on stinky cheese, hates all straight men, pees himself if he stumbles upon wine, and prefers somber indie music. Basically, he’s like living with me… but he growls if you steal his spot in bed.

    • Sabrina

      Hahaha lives on stinky cheese. Best. dog. ever. My old dog Henry used to live on scrambled eggs and sandwiches. Seriously, he loved sandwiches with all the fixings.

    • http://helloalle.com/ Alle

      Hubbell sounds like the best. He and Oliver could be friends. I’m basing this off their mutual hatred of bathtime, but what the hell, I’m friends with people I have less in common with than that.

    • Sean

      Wait, was “a heart full of love” a subtle Les Mis reference?

    • http://twitter.com/JenAshleyWright Jennifer Wright

      Ding, ding, ding!

  • Jenny

    So, wait….I can’t read an article about someone that anally freebased crack??? I didn’t even know that was possible until I read the title and now I feel cheated.

  • LCT

    I love you lots, TheGloss. So much.

  • Jessica

    Hey guys,

    Your decrease of page-views is probably my fault, seeing as I haven’t been on the Gloss in over 2 weeks because school picked up.. And since I usually read about abajillion stories on the Gloss daily, it’s no surprise this has happened. My bad!! I’ll get right back on it.

    • http://www.facebook.com/sameurysm Samantha Escobar

      DROP OUT, JESSICA. WE NEED BONUSES.

  • MR

    Those titles tipped me off. But I did think “maybe Amanda?” for a second…. :)

    • Amanda Chatel

      Wait!?!? Amanda what?!?!?

  • Sean

    I didn’t need to click on the links. My OCD means I keep my chakras perfectly in-line all the time.

  • Breezy

    Fuck I am gullible. I was about to start forwarding links to all my loved ones like its my job… Don’t doooo that to me! It’s too early.

    Although it does show what a loyal supporter I am! Haha. I was like, “Gee 10,000 seems like a lot but I guess I can try.”

  • kj

    I read those headlines and didn’t even blink. I was seriously about to write, “but none of your links work!” in the comments.

    Also, why are you giving xoJane pageviews?! Is this some sort of show of magnanimity to your lessers?

    • jamiepeck

      I want to help them get their bonuses.

  • Nancy

    You should’ve started this with a disclaimer that it was a joke! lol I was so worried! I was already thinking about how I could make everyone I know click on your stories. Meanies! On the other hand, now I’m in a really good mood! :) thanks?

  • jamiepeck

    DISCLAIMER: THIS POST IS MADE OF JOKES

  • http://www.facebook.com/sameurysm Samantha Escobar

    The fact that the calendar specifically has rescue horses just makes that picture so much better.