These guys are in danger of not getting to live this month because we haven’t hit our page-view goals:
We just had a big meeting, you see, and our big, scary parent company threatened to pull the plug on us unless we get 10,000 people to visit the site in the next six hours. They do not understand that women’s media is hard!
Rather than calling a brainstorming sesh to come up with ideas for stories that a lot of people might want to read, Jennifer just kind of snapped, and reached for the nearest sharp implement.
“If we do not hit our pageview goals, I am going to kill all the animals!” she shrieked, demonstrating what she meant on a PeTA calendar depicting a rescue horse.
She made a throat-cutting motion with her free hand, just to let us know she meant business. ”I’m sorry it’s come to this, but I don’t know any other way to get through to you people,” she continued, snapping back to an eerie state of calm. Satisfied her point was totes clear, she clicked out with the confident, maniacal walk of a cartoon Disney villain.
I know I could probably lose my job for this, but as The Gloss’ resident animal rights advocate, I cannot remain silent. So, if you love kittens (see how hard they are working to be super cute for you?), puppies,
ponies in sweaters,
and whatever else she can get her terrifyingly resourceful hands on, will you please take a moment out of your busy day to click several hundred times on each of the following stories?:
It Happened To Me: I Anally Freebased Twenty Ounces Of Crack Cocaine
I Did A Morally Reprehensible Thing To Get Something I Wanted And I’m Totally Not Sorry
Have You Aligned Your Chakras Lately?
You don’t even have to read them. Pretty please with some bangin’ ass magical pink frosting on top? If you don’t, all of these innocent creatures’ blood will essentially be on your hands (whoops!) and you wouldn’t want that, now would you?