• Thu, Feb 7 2013

10 Fictional Characters That Probably Ruined Your Life

This jerk... I'm still pissed at Jane for this one.

This jerk… I’m still pissed at Jane for this one.

If we look back at the books we’ve read, the movies we’ve watched or even the side-note characters in bad after school specials (anyone remember Ben Affleck in this?), there are probably more than a few who made a lasting impact. One more time: anyone remember Affleck in this? I guess it had one hell of an impact on me, because I still reference it on a daily basis; OK, more like weekly. Fine! Monthly, just monthly.

Ben’s “before Good Will Hunting” years aside, there are definitely legitimate characters out there who have probably fucked you up to a degree. You always assumed life was going to be all glitz and fairies, and some damn prince was going to show up on a white horse and say, ”Come on, baby, I’ll put you up in a great condo,” but it never happened. So there you are, standing in the middle of your life, no prince charming in sight because he never existed, and you actually don’t have a wardrobe like Cher in Clueless. It’s a harsh reality, but ’tis how the world works.

With that cruel wake-up call in the forefront of our brains, let’s cover 10 fictional characters who probably, in a round about way, ruined our lives. Some are more obvious than others, and yes, I left out Jordan Catalano because I hate what he’s become. OK, “hate” is a strong word, so let’s go with “don’t like.” Fine! I still love him, but he’s not on the list!

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  • http://poorgoop.com/ Samantha

    I don’t remember Ben Affleck in his HBO special, but he did act in a series of educational laser discs called Voyage of the Mimi about ocean conservation that we had to watch in grade school. I can still hum the theme song. And I remember an episode about hypothermia in which two grown old men whalers got naked and snuggled in a sleeping bag together. Ben watched. It was ridiculous.

    • http://thegloss.com/ Ashley Cardiff

      I don’t even know what to say but I feel compelled to respond somehow.

    • Amanda Chatel

      AMAZING.

    • http://twitter.com/UntappedMich Michelle Young

      VOYAGE OF THE MIMI!

    • Porkchop

      YES! The number one greatest thing about Ben Affleck’s huge fame right now is the return of the Mimi! I remember seeing that hypothermia episode and being amazed. I’ve thought about that episode 1000 times since that day.

  • CMJ

    God. Mr. Darcy. Smolder.

  • CMJ

    Also – I don’t know if this counts but I am still irrationally angry at Jo March for choosing the Professor over Laurie….or, maybe I’m mad that Jo didn’t choose Little Woman-era Christian Bale.

    (Maybe that’s a whole other slideshow – Fictional Characters You’re Irrationally Angry at for Irrational Reasons)

    • Amanda Chatel

      I think I like this idea for another slideshow. And honestly, in the book, I didn’t care that Jo went for the professor, but in the movie version… ugh… many tears, many tears because of my love for Christian Bale.

    • CMJ

      Not going to lie – every time I watch the movie I think/hope it’s going to end with Jo and Laurie together…

      And Christian Bale in Newsies on a horse is still too much for my brain to deal with.

    • canda

      If we’re doing Fictional Characters We’re Irrationally Angry At: Non-Love Interest Version, then I would like to nominate Amy March. For everything. Ever.

    • CMJ

      Oh god – AMY! In every iteration of Little Women Amy is the WORST. There’s even a musical and her songs make me want to stab my ears.

  • Eileen

    I love Scarlett O’Hara. She is the basis of my worldview: You’re either an Ashley* Wilkes or a Scarlett^ O’Hara, meaning you either sit around whining, “What happened to my life? Why can’t I have everything I want?” or you square your shoulders and say, “My old life is over, and that’s sad, but in the meantime, hell if I’m going to let shit happen to me and my family.”

    *Real first name = George

    ^Real first name = Katie

  • Anonachocolatemousse

    True story, my husband proposed to me with a boombox because I love Say Anything so much. He told me later that he had been thinking for a long time on how to propose and when we watched the movie together (about a week before he asked), he knew exactly what to do.

    • Amanda Chatel

      JEALOUS. That’s so awesome!

    • Anonachocolatemousse

      I would have said yes no matter how he did it, but this one was epic.

    • Dawn

      Only engagement story I’ve ever liked or envied.

  • Sabrina

    My old boyfriend had a stuffed teddy bear (Brownie) who, as a little boy, was convinced could talk when he wasn’t around. He said that he used to try to get Brownie to talk to him through many different strategies. First, he would try to nicely coax him “come on brownie, just talk to me, I promise I won’t tell anyone else” and then would move on to threats when that didn’t work “If you don’t talk to me, I’ll punch you in the face!” and then would actually physically harm Brownie by punching him and kicking him across the room “I told you this would happen if you didn’t talk!” And when that still didn’t get him to talk, he would go back to method #1 “come on Brownie, I promise I won’t tell.”

    • Amanda Chatel

      That’s the best. And I can’t say I haven’t tried all those methods with my stuffed animals… like even the other night with Bernie the Lamb who inspired this post. Dude refuses to budge.

    • Sabrina

      Hahahahaha Chatel = ♥

  • DebMoore

    Ha Ha as a young child I spent hours praying and begging and wishing that my Cabbage Patch doll would become real!

  • MR

    Darcy was a very complex man? :)