• Fri, Feb 8 2013

Your Dirty Vagina Needs Vaginal Wipes Or Else You’ll Never Have Sex Again

Playtex-vaginal-wipes

 

Are you lonely? Left wondering why nobody’s banging you? Feeling sad and miserable and like your vulva is super, duper gross but you can’t handle those words so you need everything to be explained to you in disgusting, patronizing metaphors? Fortunately, Playtex vaginal wipes has got you covered! Or, rather, uncovered from that disgusting reality you call “healthy vaginal discharge,” you icky excuse for a sex object, you!

But really, Playtex’s advertising campaign for their vaginal wipes makes me a little sick. The one above, comparing women’s vaginas to fruit — ew — is just one of four ads that states the company’s opinion that women can’t get laid unless we’re “clean.” Obviously, being hygienic is a logical thing, right? We should all make sure to keep ourselves clean in that sense because it’s simply the healthy thing to do.

But Playtex doesn’t mean the normal showering-with-soap-and-water type of clean (i.e. the one that men and women both require, typically without much further grooming); they mean you need to use vaginal wipes. Their vaginal wipes, which will apparently make you have tons and tons of sex (check out the ads below). According to their press release, they’re “addressing an important consumer need”; you know, the need to stop being so naturally dirty sans wipes that people will stop sleeping with you.

“We wanted to be fun and playful and bold all at the same time,” said Creative Director Elaine McCormick. Sorry, Elaine, but you completely missed the mark on all of those things (well, the font is actually quite good, but that’s about it). This campaign is not only completely offense to women’s bodies, it’s also promoting a potentially detrimental product. Seriously: feminine wipes are an absurd “tool” that can upset the PH balance in your vagina, thus making it actually more likely that you’ll get a bacterial infection, have to go on antibiotics and not be able to have sex. Sounds totally sexy, right?

Also, logistically, this shit makes no sense: how does anybody know what your business’ grooming habits are unless they already have your clothes off? And I’m pretty sure that means there will be some form of metaphorical picking, since most people don’t really run out of rooms screaming post-pants removal.

NOBODY WHO WAS ALREADY DOWN WILL RESPOND LIKE THIS IF YOU DON’T USE VAGINAL WIPES. I PROMISE.

The only logical use I could see these being used for is women who have particularly heavy periods in order to prevent staining and whatnot since sometimes tampons and pads leak, but that’s about it. Otherwise, this is a ridiculous, glorified, sexified baby wipe. Don’t buy it, you will regret doing so. Also: you will have a difficult time finding a guy who exclusively goes for women whose vaginas smell like “cranberry, chamomile” or whatever other possibly irritating scents these will likely have on them. And if you do find somebody who’s only down with that, inform him that he’s a moron and if he’s so keen on it, he can go bang a berry — at least then, the scent will be naturally “clean.”

For the rest of the ads, scroll down:

Playtex4

Dick wipes?

Playtex 2 Playtex 3

[via Huffington Post]

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Share This Post:
  • Sean

    “A polished knob always gets more turns”?

    Aren’t you “polishing your knob” because no one is tapping your unclean pecker?

    • http://www.facebook.com/sameurysm Samantha Escobar

      THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT.

      These don’t even make sense in their own realm.

    • Jon

      This^^^

  • Alexandra

    I saw the beaver ad out of the corner of my eye as I was casually flipping through a lady magazine. I had to do a double take, and when I read the text I burst out laughing. Like, doubled over, cackling witch laughing. I mean…seriously?

  • Tania

    Wait, so it isn’t common practice to insist men stick their faces in your crotch as soon as you meet them?

    THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

  • Lo

    I bought a couple of bricks of these, along with the stiff wire vagina brush. (Gotta clean those teeth somehow). I spent the rest of the evening greeting men with the line, “HELLO I NOW HAVE AN EXCEPTIONALLY CLEAN VULVA.” It was a huge success*, and now I’m in a wonderful relationship with the poster boy for Cleanest Penis Scouring Tubes(tm).

    * apart from that one dude who congratulated me on the diligent upkeep of my car.

  • LisaDisqus

    Um, did you guys miss the two adds that are for men? I’m pretty sure that the men are not using these on their dirty, smelly, vaginas. I’m not saying these adds are classy or that anyone needs to clean their nethers with special wipes, but your outrage seems a little misplaced as this is obviously a product that is aimed at men and women.

  • Maggie

    What the fuck?! So it’s not about hygiene at all, just about making sure someone will have sex with you. Thanks for the info, Playtex.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ellen-Sandbeck/1185069888 Ellen Sandbeck

    Call Playtex at 1-800-387-1300 and demand to speak to an executive. If we just complain amongst ourselves, nothing will change. We need to complain to the right people.

  • bucket

    I use summer’s eve wipes when I go camping for days without access to a shower. And even that is merely for my own comfort. These ads are terrible, and I possibly hate the use of the word “always” more than their ridiculous (and nonsensical?) metaphors. Mildly sickening.

  • RBS

    in September of last year, Playtex were also listed as one of the corporations who still commit to the torture that is animal testing. Yay for the Playtex paradox: so disgusting for an business committed to ‘hygiene’.

  • ktree

    Wait, those are the real ads and not ones you guys made up to be funny?