Finally An Answer To That Eternal Question: ‘What Is Jelqing?’

I. Just. Can't.

I. Just. Can’t.

I very rarely read Cosmopolitan. It’s just not my jam, and when something isn’t my jam, I steer clear of it like a plague infested rat — even if that rat is rocking a bow-tie and top hat. But when someone retweets a word I don’t know and the link goes back to Cosmo, I have to click. I have zero control over the muscles in my hands; there is a spasm and before I know it, I’m finding out things I either never wanted to know, or really didn’t need to have in my brain.

Jelqing (that “q” is pronounced as “k”):

a natural penis enlargement attempt in which a guy squeezes and strokes his member in an effort to force blood flow to the tip, hypothetically stretching length and girth. Believed to have its roots in the ancient Middle East, jelqing is sometimes called “milking,” which conjures up unwelcome images of milking a cow.


This is where I say my usual, and soon to be trademarked phrase, “what the fucking fuck?” There are men sitting around in the world, milking their number one buddy in the hopes of making it grow? This is a thing? No. I refuse to believe this malarkey.

OK. I’m relaxed and have accepted it to be a possibility.

Now watch the NSFW video and tell me it doesn’t look like the man in question isn’t just jerking off in a weird, slow moving type of way. It’s almost as if he’s seducing his cock into the next stage of the game; that stage being stroking the salami, obviously. Men and their goddamn penises; I swear.

But does it work? Go ahead and take a guess. The answer may surprise you.

NO! (Of course not!)

In fact jelqing can do some major damage to the member by not only desensitizing it, but leading to scars and disfigurement. Then what does one do? How does the fella explain that his dick now looks like a hot dog that exploded in the microwave? “Oh, I was trying to make it bigger.” Yeah, that’s definitely going to fly with the ladies.

I think we’ve all learned our vocabulary lesson for the day. All we can do now is spread the word and try not to laugh in the process.


Photo: Someecards

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    • Brianna

      Jelqing. It even sounds gross.

      • Amanda Chatel

        It sounds like a weird combo between joking/choking/milking. It’s just… wrong.

    • Fabel

      “This is a thing? No. I refuse to believe this malarkey.”

      I hate to explode your world, but I actually know someone who admits to doing this while going through puberty, & insists that’s the reason why he’s so hung.”

      • Amanda Chatel

        Well, maybe if he pulled at it nonstop the way people in other cultures stretch their necks and shit. But if that were the case I’d think part of his dick would be dead and permanently flaccid… like a stretched earlobe. WHO WANTS TO FUCK A STRETCHED EARLOBE?

      • Tania

        I’ve spent enough time on the internet to know that someone, somewhere, probably wants to do exactly that.

      • Alle

        Yep, they do. One of my friends has stretched lobes and when she’s out without her boyfriend, random dudes will totally ask her if they can bang her lobeholes. I’ve seen them do it. It’s bizarre.

      • Amanda Chatel

        YOU ARE ALL FREAKS. Love you.

    • Jon

      O.M.G! People are totes cray cray!

      “How does the fella explain that his dick now looks like a hot dog that exploded in the microwave?”

      *picks jaw off the floor*

      Why, Jebus? WHY?!?!?!?!?

      *slowly crawls under desk and curls into a fetal position while muttering incoherent babble*

    • Alle

      I went to that website (hilarious!). I watched some of the videos (double hilarious!). I especially like the very last line, where it tells men that for best results, they should also BUY a dick extending machine and take magical dick-growing “enhancement” pills.

      Let’s be real: if all it took was some weird masturbating to make one’s dick bigger, every thirteen year old dude on the planet would have a wang the size of their forearm.

    • Sean

      I have a hard time understanding the merits of a stretched, damaged wang. Wouldn’t it ultimately be more useful if we guys did yoga or took a dance class to improve our hip mobility? Most of the women I know don’t have a problem with length, they have a problem with how their guys just jackhammer away.

      • Cori

        Jackhammers, only good for destroying sidewalks.

    • Greg

      That website you linked to named bestmaleenhancement ripped me off. Its a freakin scam. I cant believe cosmo would link to such trash. unbelievable. you wanna pay me back my 349 dollars cosmo!??!