Remember when we used to do those Celebrities We Irrationaly Hate features? Jen wrote one on Paz de la Huerta, Jamie wrote one on Lana Del Rey, and there was a bit of feather ruffling over one about Alexa Chung. We stopped doing them because… it’s shitty. It’s probably constructive to avoid writing 2000 word screeds about hating someone you’ve never met.
But. We all want to write one about Taylor Swift, right?
Taylor Swift takes her delusion circus to Elle this month, for a handsome cover and a laughably oblivious profile. For example, Taylor Swift tells the magazine she doesn’t raise her voice at boyfriends–even during conflict–because 1) Taylor Swift is a perfect virgin princess who lives in a golden bird cage and can talk to animals with her pure maiden heart and 2) when it’s done, it’s done:
“I’m not a yeller. I’m not a fit thrower. If something is done, it’s done.”
…Except, of course, the whole writing hilariously exploitative songs about it part. Which she kind of acknowledges:
“It’s me sitting on my bed feeling pain I didn’t understand, writing a song, and understanding it better,” she says. “If people want to dissect the lyrics, that’s their right, but it’s … just something I do to feel better.”
Yes, Taylor. It’s us dissecting the lyrics when you name the song about your breakup with John Mayer “Dear [Fucking] John.” And it’s totally our fault when the third Google search result for “maple lattes” is about you and Jake Gyllenhaal, a beverage you reference in
“All Too Well.” Or how every song on your album can be parsed according to five minutes of rote research. Or how, upon breaking up with the hugely famous lead boy of a hugely famous British boy group, you mockingly employ a British accent while performing at the Grammys.
We’ll try to stop our habit of reading into everything you do. And become better.