• Wed, Feb 20 2013

British Men Have Decided Who The Least Sexy Hollywood Actresses Are

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Hey women! The men of Great Britain have decided which Hollywood actresses are the least sexually desirable, so you had better listen up to learn who you shouldn’t look like if you ever want to bag a British man of your own.

Or more specifically, a British man who reads manly novelty gadget site MenKind, a desirable bunch, to be sure. The envelope, please! And the most repulsive Hollywood actresses are:

1. Kristen Stewart

2. Sarah Jessica Parker

3. Lindsay Lohan

4. Denise Richards

5. Kirsten Dunst

6. Mischa Barton

7. Hilary Swank

8. Lucy Liu

9. Tilda Swinton

10. Uma Thurman

What a bunch of hags, right? I am sure these successful and conventionally attractive women are all crying themselves to sleep at night, utterly devastated that the kinds of men who buy adult-sized jedi costumes do not find them sufficiently sexy.

But what was the rubric for these picky men, anyway? Writes a spokesman:

Our Oscars poll has been a fascinating insight into the minds of British men – it’s shown that sexiness is far more than appearance. They were turned off by volatile and moody actresses as well as ice queens. And they don’t want to see unhealthily skinny starlets on the big screen.

Do you hear that, actresses? If you could just stop being so volatile, moody and frigid, you might have a shot with these guys. Obtain a prescription for benzos if need be. And might I suggest an apology blowjay?

And don’t even think about continuing to keep up with the societal standards of beauty that are a prerequisite for all of your jobs (and possibly your natural body types). You kill all the boners when you do that. I order you all to gain exactly 20 pounds and then stop.

In conclusion, I am angry at this poll for making me defend Lindsay Lohan from people who are even worse at life than her, and Kristen Stewart is a sullen little goddess.

(Via The Cut)

Photo: WENN

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  • Cee

    Can the men who voted post pics up? I would like the female population to rate them.

    Also, I find Kristen Stewart very sexy. She’s a terrible actress and gives horrid interviews, but I understand her awkwardness. I would be very awkward in a very public place with lots of people shouting at me.

  • Candace

    HOW IS LUCY LIU ON THAT LIST?

    • vnally

      The British must still be mad about the whole Elementary vs. Sherlock thing.

    • Candace

      Ha, yeah. That was literally my first thought too.

  • Fabel

    If we’re judging by one man’s opinion, then I get to cancel it out by saying my boyfriend loves KStew, right?

  • Amanda

    I’m always told that I look like Kristen Stewart, and then all I ever hear about her is how awkward or ugly she is.. Go figure.

  • http://profiles.google.com/holly.slavic Aitch Slavic

    Very sexist. They get to debate and decide who is “not worthy” i.e. females most important quality–sexiness–shows the extent of you value and worth to the world.

  • http://www.facebook.com/nickdouglas Nick Douglas

    Whip up a list of ten “least sexy” male actors — Danny DeVito, Seth Rogen, Robin Williams, Quentin Tarantino, Steve Buscemi, Charlie Sheen, Val Kilmer, David Hasselhoff, Kevin James, John Travolta — and notice that none of them comes close to being the sex objects that those ten women is. When you can be incredibly out of several leading men’s leagues and still voted “most unsexy,” that’s some straight-up misogyny.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ashley-Flinn/17006842 Ashley Flinn

    Tilda Swinton is a fucking godess, and oozes sex appeal, WTF?

  • Jack

    The British are an ugly group of people and shouldn’t be deciding or commenting on anybody’s looks. You don’t end up looking like the Royal Family without lots of inbreeding in your past.