Who Tried To Cyber With These Four Terrible OkCupid Profiles?


OkCupid is a scary, scary place. Back when I was on it sincerely, it gave me so many different kinds of anxiety that I decided I’d rather die alone than get one more creepy message from a cybersex enthusiast (which made me feel gross), or condescending message from a pick-up artist (which made me feel angry), or nice message from someone I did not find visually appealing (which made me feel shallow), or insane message from someone I found hot (which made me feel like all hot guys were insane).

However, more recently I wondered if Ok Cupid might have another use, namely, to test out the theory that most of the men on there will try to hit on every seemingly young and supple woman, even if there is clearly something wrong with her. This was inspired in part by my friend Jess’s intentionally shitty profile, in which she is sleeping in most of the pictures and eating in two. So I made a profile of my own, and Amanda made one too, and then we sat back and waited. To see if women would behave any differently, I asked my manfriend Sean to make one, too.

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    • amy teill

      did you guys just edit preexisting profiles? the guy who has “0″ messages it says he has 30…

      • jamiepeck

        That is the number of messages I have. I was logged in as kitty-meow-meow when i took the screenshots.

    • sarah

      this reminds me of back when chat rooms were cool. some friends and i decided to see who we could attract with a screen name hamburger patty fatty. ha. i personally love kitty meow meow!

    • CG

      I would totally message Jess (I’m not a dude though), because come on, her profile looks awesome!

    • Tania

      Page 3 is blank for me. :(

      • jamiepeck

        Oh crap, I am taking the page breaks out while I try to figure out what went wrong.

      • Tania

        Yay, it works now!

    • http://twitter.com/Tobi_Is_Fab Nerdy Lucy

      For me, the appeal would be that you know how to make fun of yourselves. Self-directed humor can be good.

    • Sara

      The best part was favorite music: cat stevens

    • http://twitter.com/SamiDan19 Sami Jankins

      I bet smudged mascara (Alice Cooper style) and crazy blush would go over better than smeared lipstick. This is BRILLIANT you guys!

    • disqus_pHqnjBT6sa

      Back in the day I made an OKCupid profile for my cat. Like, unabashedly for my cat. With multiple disclosures in the profile that he was a cat, and a picture of him as the profile picture. I also answered questions from his point of view. Such as: ‘Does your ideal match have a driver’s license?’ His answer: yes [because he liked going for car rides], ideal match’s answer: no – very important. Or ‘How do you feel about abortion?’ His answer: indifferent, ideal match’s answer: indifferent – not important. Or ‘Are you a cat person?’ His answer: yes, ideal match’s answer: yes – very important. People seemed to enjoy that my cat had a profile, until one day I got a message from someone halfway around the world who said ‘This is my top match in the world. It’s a cat. This is kind of depressing.’ I wrote back apologizing for the disappointment but added that for what it’s worth, at least he’s a really awesome cat.

    • rick

      quit fucking with lonely people.

    • http://helloalle.com/ Alle

      My last OKCupid foray lasted about a week, and shockingly it didn’t end with tears or a restraining order! I actually met an awesome guy! He’s my boyfriend now! Success story!

      I mean, I had to sift through 500 fucking INSANE messages from various psychos before I got there, though. Chatel already knows that one notable wackadoo described himself as “a John Wayne Gacy fanboy” and his profile picture was him, standing in front of the Gacy house, holding a long out of print book about JWG called Killer Clown.

      It probably would have made a great story for Dating Hijinks, but I was kind of scared he’d try to murder me for real. And he had dubious facial hair. So.

      • Amanda Chatel

        BRAGGER. That’s to the “success story” part of your comment. I’m going to go eat my feelings now and blame you the whole time.

      • http://helloalle.com/ Alle

        Just so long as you’re thinking about me, Skippy.

        (Loooooves yoooooou!)

    • kj

      Back when I was young and bored and working night shifts, I made a joke POF profile that was all about how I was looking for a boyfriend to dominate and make my bitch. I got a MIND BOGGLING amount of attention. Incredible.

    • mel

      haha..so funny..

    • http://www.facebook.com/A.Less.Morbid.Marla.Singer Kayla Borg

      I hate to say it, but I think your conclusions about your friend Jess’ profile are way off base because you’re looking at it from the wrong angle on the gender spectrum. Sure, from a woman’s perspective she might seem sloppy and odd in her photos (put on your best caddy voice and tear her apart, we all remember high school) but from a man’s perspective, she appears to have a good sense of humor (it’s unlikely that they took her photos as serious expressions of her favorite past times), to be unafraid to show her “goofy” side, and yes, she’s still cute regardless of how awkward you try and make her look. What most men want is just a woman who can be real, who isn’t high maintenance, and can relax enough to let the guy be himself around her. Your friend projected that persona perfectly. My guess is most of the men messaging her were imagining being able to pretend to be a walrus with chopsticks over a dinner date, and actually getting her to laugh versus being scolded (Does it make a bit more sense now why a comedian type personality contacted her?). They see a woman they can bring along with to hangout with the guys that will fit in, instead of looking bored and pissed in the corner.

      • Matt

        I wholeheartedly concur. Both in this and in Jamie’s profile the humour is a huge selling point. And though often badly crafted, I think most of the replies were aiming at being humorous, too. Also, a woman who cherishes sensual pleasures, like eating and sleeping, might not be averse to other very basic pleasures either.

        And, were you seriously comparing the reactions to “being a fascist” with “having smeared lipstick in your profile pictures” to attain an unbiased view on gender dynamics here? Sean really created an eerily conclusive profile there. Good work.

      • jamiepeck

        I think Sean’s was pretty obviously a joke, too. They were all jokey! Some of the responses seemed to be in on the joke. This was meant to be more lighthearted than serious.

        And you are so right about Jess in every way. She’s gonna be mad.