• Sun, Mar 3 2013

Would Not Bang: A Poem

oak
Related: 2/10 Would Not Bang.

Would not bang!
Could not bang!
Shall not, I’ll not
will not bang.

Will you bang her
Here or there?

I will not bang her,
here or there.
I would not bang her anywhere.
I would not bang her:
four out of ten.
I will not bang her,
my foolish friend.

Would you bang her in the dark?
Would you bang her in a park?

I would not bang her in the dark.
I could not bang her in a park.
I would not bang her
here or there.
I would not bang her
anywhere.

Would you bang her
as a joke?
Would you bang her
by this oak?

I would not bang her
as a joke.
I would not bang her
by this oak.
I would not bang her
here or there
I would not bang her
anywhere!

Would you bang her
on the sly?
Would you bang her
if you were high?

Not on the sly.
Not while I’m high.
Not as a joke.
Not by this oak.
I would not bang her here or there.
I would not bang her anywhere.

Would you? Could you?
after last call?
Would you bang on a pub crawl?

I would not,
could not,
after last call.
And never after a pub crawl.

You just may bang her,
You will see.
You may just like it
Nailing she.
I would not, could not, no, not me.
Not at a bar! You let me be.

I would not bang her at the bar.
I would not bang her in a car.
I would not bang her while I’m high.
I would not bang her on the sly.
I would not bang her as a joke.
I would not bang her by this oak.
I would not bang her here or there.
I would not bang her anywhere.

A train! A train!
A train! A train!
Would you, could you
on a train?

Not on a train! Not by the sea!
Not in a car! No, let me be!

Say!
In the dark?
Here in the dark!
Would you, could you, in the dark?

I would not, could not,
in the dark.

Would you, could you,
in the rain?

I would not, could not, in the rain.
Not in the dark. Not on a train.
Not in a car, not in a tree.
I would not bang her – can’t you see?
Not by this oak. Not as a joke.
Not while I’m high. Not on the sly
I will not bang her here or there.
I will not bang her anywhere!

You would not bang her,
then, my friend?

I would not bang her.
That’s the end.

You would not bang her.
SO you say.
Try it! Try it!
And you may.
Try it and you may I say.

Oh!
If you will let me be,
I will bang her,
You will see.

Say!
I liked banging her!
I did! I liked it, sir!
And I would bang her on in the dark!
And I would bang her in a park
And I would bang her in the rain.
And on the sly. And on a train.
And in a car. And near a tree.
It was fun to bang her – now I see!

I would like to bang her, now!
How can I ever thank you – How?

[Image via Wikimedia Commons]

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  • http://www.facebook.com/apledger Andrew Phillip Pledger

    The New Yorker, The NY Times and The Atlantic have just commissioned op-eds about most offensive moments in this poem including in-depth analysis discussing why jokes that belittle and objectify women matter. /s

  • Lisa(r)

    I think it would be more belittling if the girl agreed to bang the guy, personally, but anyways am more interested in humor of this parody than of deeper meanings, salutations to Ortberg. (Anyways this dialogue of a poem totally sounds like some bros I’ve heard around my college, and if this parody somehow diminishes their legitimacy, I’m all for it.)

  • http://www.facebook.com/MatthewMcVeagh Matthew McVeagh

    Like it – wonder what exactly the message/point is tho. The slang term “bang” is essentially unpleasant and this comes out if you repeat it often enough? People can be surprised to change their minds about whether they’re attracted to someone or not despite resisting a lot of coaxing? Dr. Seuss is a particularly rich vein for ludicrous parody?