Things That Are Making You Fat

The moon is an inconsiderate prick.

The moon is an iconsiderate prick.

Ladies! Sleeping with a light on could be making you fat! Worse still, sleeping in non-enveloping cocoon-like darkness could be… making you fat!

This is horrible news, because everything else already makes us fat. But apparently there is room for another thing.

We learned this from a recent American Medical Association report (PDF) that concludes…

The disrupting effects of nighttime lighting on our bodies’ circadian rhythms may contribute to “obesity, diabetes, depression and mood disorders, and reproductive problems.” Moreover, artificial light causes our bodies to suppress the release of melatonin, elevating our risk of contracting cancer, and especially breast cancer.

Oh, there’s some other stuff about safety? No matter, the real concern here is what makes you fat.

So. Let’s pause for a moment and take stock: do we have a final tally of what makes you fat? Though we were astonished to discover that The Daily Mail doesn’t keep a master list of everything currently ruining women’s bodies, we figured we could just make one ourselves.

Without further ado, here are things that are making you fat:

  • Everything
  • Food
  • Fatty foods
  • Fat free foods
  • Healthy foods
  • Sugar
  • Artificial sweeteners
  • Eating too little
  • Eating too much
  • Skipping breakfast
  • Eating three square meals
  • Eating after 8:00 PM
  • Eating after 7:00 PM
  • Eating before noon
  • Eating before bed
  • Not eating a small snack before bed
  • Midnight snacking
  • Eating any time outside of a very small window which has yet to be defined
  • Lunar cycles
  • Moon goings on
  • The sun, probably
  • People in Guam
  • Skin cancer
  • All cancer
  • Any disease
  • Viruses
  • The common cold
  • Treatments for the common cold
  • Soup
  • Fiscal responsibility
  • Eating that instead of this
  • Eating right before working out
  • Eating right after working out
  • Working out
  • Stationary equipment
  • Building muscle
  • Protein
  • Carbs
  • Dairy
  • Fruit
  • Fruit juice
  • Dried fruit
  • Stone fruits
  • Cooking your vegetables
  • Tomatoes (?)
  • Fructose
  • Drinking wine
  • Not drinking enough wine
  • Drinking soda
  • Drinking diet soda
  • Too much caffeine
  • No caffeine
  • Bread
  • White bread
  • Whole grain bread
  • 7 grain bread
  • 6 grain bread
  • Dry toast
  • Oyster crackers
  • Anxiety
  • Anxiety (specifically about weight gain)
  • Anti-anxiety medication
  • Existential angst
  • Having no friends
  • Having fat friends
  • Fast food
  • Preservatives
  • Steamed broccoli and fish
  • Grilled chicken with salad
  • Salad dressing
  • Fat free salad dressing
  • Oil free salad dressing
  • Sugar free salad dressing
  • Using lemon juice instead of salad dressing
  • Not sleeping enough
  • Sleeping in
  • Comfortable temperatures
  • Being single
  • Being cheated on
  • Not vacuuming enough
  • Chore equality
  • Fat acceptance
  • Misandry
  • Feminism
  • Sexism (especially the music of Taylor Swift)
  • Sex-positivity
  • Self-worth
  • Heteronormativity
  • Benefitting from heteronormativity
  • Complaining about heteronormativity
  • All the lipstick we accidentally swallow
  • The spiders you eat in your sleep
  • Reading
  • Book learnin’
  • Too much time on the internet
  • Unemployment
  • Employment
  • Sitting all day
  • Eating while using a computer
  • Eating while reading this very post
  • Leggings
  • Hating Anne Hathaway
  • Loving Jennifer Lawrence
  • Smoking
  • Quitting smoking
  • Stress from quitting smoking
  • Stress
  • Fruit (still)
  • Too much of a good thing
  • Not carrying an envelope-shaped handbag
  • Inaccurate nutritional information
  • Woefully inaccurate nutritional information
  • Intentionally manipulative and hurtful nutritional information
  • Not reading the nutritional information
  • Getting pregnant
  • Breastfeeding
  • Not breastfeeding
  • Babies
  • Toddlers
  • Chasing after toddlers
  • Children (especially fat children)
  • Tweens/teens
  • Numbered lists
  • Listicles
  • Photolisticles
  • New media
  • Social media
  • The liberal media elite
  • Solipsism
  • Doritos
  • Phthalates
  • Bees?
  • Bees going extinct

Did we miss any?

Share This Post:
    • Sissy

      Good gosh.

    • Karen Valdivia

      You missed water, water without sodium, water without fluor, tap water, bottled water, sparkly water, not climbing enough stairs, bright colors, chocolat, not eating chocolat, sunlight, heat, PMS, having a relationship, not having one, having a no-relatiohship… gosh is so hard to remember all this stuff!!

      Your list made me laught to the tears :D

      • Ashley Cardiff

        Good lord. How the hell did I forget about chocolate and not eating chocolate?!

        I should amend the list.

      • Ashley Cardiff

        Shit! I also forgot full fat yogurt, yogurt without probiotics, yogurt substitutes, skim milk, coconut water and live active cultures.

      • Ashley Cardiff

        I just realized I forgot soy and estrogen.

      • ktree

        Also eating anything but greek yogurt. And eating greek yogurt. Did we do yoga pants yet? Also, probably cats. (This list made me lol as well.)

    • Nanna


    • NBP

      Hahaha! Funny

    • Darla

      This list is a respectable starting point.

    • Bets

      I wasn’t anywhere near feeling totally ashamed of my body after reading this–what about gluten, devil’s food cake, angel food cake, “low carb” anything and all of your favorite cocktail mixers? What about plain old alcohol? What about one whiskey a day and no whiskey at all?


    • vnally

      When I was little i had a family friend tell me that his grandmother told HIM that glow in the dark toys give you cancer. i don’t have cancer, but I am significantly heavier than I was at the age of 5, so i can only assume that those glow on the dark toys made me fat.


      • Ashley Cardiff

        Story checks out.

    • Lauren

      Most of these studies are extremely misleading. They make you believe that if you (for example) drink diet soda vs full sugar soda then you will gain weight. Their “scientific proof” is that they took a survey and found out that thin people drink regular soda and fat people drink diet soda. HOWEVER, if you think about it, a fat person might be drinking diet soda to lose weight, or that fat person could be pigging out on fatty foods and tries to compensate with diet soda. Whereas a thin person feels like they could get away with drinking full sugar soda because they don’t need to lose weight (and it tastes better, so why not?) OR because a thin person drinks a regular soda as a once-every-few-days treat. Trust me, if I swapped all of the diet drinks that I’ve consumed with full-sugar beverages, I would most definitely weigh more than I do now.

    • alexandra

      You are my celebrity crush.

    • Alyssa

      Most of these studies are studies observing cor-relational similarities. So basically they can’t prove these things are making you gain weight, just that you eat milk chocolate and happen to weigh more than someone who eats dark chocolate or no chocolate and so on and so forth.

    • brandy alexander


    • Anonachocolatemousse

      Getting married, breathing, washing your hair everyday and not washing your hair everyday.

    • Melinda Carrera

      Bananas, specifically. Also, not getting enough potassium.

    • Emma


      • Cielo Ibarra

        Love it!

    • jenpen

      This article is way too good! Made me LOL in my office. Now they know I’m not working…and getting fat…laughing totally makes you fat.