Here is an advertisement that, at first glance, seems completely idiotic. It’s for a company called Nod and a Wink and seems to imply that a woman’s breasts are giving her black eyes as they fling themselves about on the tennis court. “How?” I thought to myself, “How would breasts do that, as breasts are made out of flesh? Even if I tried to fling one of my breasts head-ward, I don’t think it would give me a black eye?” But, you know, then I thought about it, and I suppose there are some ways you could get a black eye from your own breasts. Namely:
1) Your breasts have grown tiny fists. You are a mutant. You are a self harming mutant. Everything is awful. I am so sorry. I am so, so sorry. I think there is a school for people like you. That is all I can advise. I don’t know where it is – England, someplace? An estate in England? There might be some kind of forcefield around it? – but go there. It will make you safe. There’s help. I don’t know where, but it’s out there. Put your little fists back inside your shirt, now.
2) Your original sports bra was made out of steel, and hung very loosely, so it was constantly flinging itself upward to catch you in the face. It was pretty weird, honestly. I’m glad you got a new one. But I bet you can still wear it when we go to ren faires, so that’s going to be fun. It’s not like it was a total loss.
3) Your breasts were so large that it became impossible to move your arms in a normal way when you played tennis. Accordingly, you decided to hold the racket backwards, and began hitting your eyes with the handle. You are absolutely terrible at planning. Please try to get better. Hold the racket backwards never made sense to anyone but you.
4) People are always getting into bar fights with you, because they are intimidated by your buxom figure on the tennis court. People are insane and horrible. If this is the case, I am sorry about that, too. It seems so weird that people are doing that to you, because that’s not something I’ve ever seen happy, but I guess it’s not at all out of the question.
5) Advertisements are completely idiotic, and unconnected to the actual life that women experience. They aren’t even trying anymore.