Worst Theater Kid Ever Fakes Own Kidnapping To Avoid Talking To His Girlfriend

fake-kidnapping

You know how sometimes, you hear a news story that involves an action so absurdly silly and avoidable, you can’t help but shake your head? Today, your daily dose of head shaking is brought to you by one Rahmell Pettway and his fake kidnapping.

Pettway, of the Bedford-Stuyvesant neighborhood in Brooklyn, NY, spent two weeks away from his home. In order to avoid explaining this to his girlfriend, he decided to fake his own abduction. Yes, people, I realize this sounds like a totally rational plan and not at all like he could wind up wasiting dozens of people’s energy, time and money on the equivalent of faking sick at school to get out of an unfinished diorama presentation.

36-year-old Pettway, whom police are calling a “total moron”, was discovered by a passerby last Thursday with his “hands, legs and mouth were covered with duct tape and the rogue Romeo looked beaten up, complaining about pain in his ribs.” He was brought to Woodhull Hospital and when question by police, initially “couldn’t recall” what happened. From the NY Post:

He claimed his captors covered his eyes and hauled him to parts unknown before dumping him on Macon Street near Malcolm X Boulevard weeks later.

But authorities grew suspicious of his account, and Pettway soon confessed to the hoax, saying he had gone AWOL for a couple of weeks and was terrified of facing his significant other.

Residents said about 10 cops patrolled and taped off the area a day after the faker was first found.

“The officers were asking him, ‘Are you OK? Are you OK?’ ” said Lisa, 29, who lives across the street from the bogus scene, and who was shocked to hear his kidnapping was all a maneuver to avoid the woman in his life.

As Doug Barry points out, it’s clear that Pettway “has learned exactly zero of the hundreds of sitcom lessons about how lying only compounds your problems, forcing a climactic confrontation that wouldn’t have been nearly as awful if you’d just told the truth in the first place.” Plus, he isn’t exactly the type of guy who thinks things through: police say he already has 14 previous arrests, including (but not limited to, because he’s a renaissance man) “robbery, marijuana and assault.”

Sadly, Pettway’s idiocy has done nothing for his relationship and merely stands as a reminder to just communicate with your partner no matter how stupidly scared you may be of “getting in trouble.” Trust me: having your full name published in a newspaper next to the words, “Fake Kidnapping” along with a quote from police calling you a complete idiot will likely suck slightly more than simply dealing with an argument as to why you peaced out for a score.

Photo: ttarasiuk / Flickr

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