As you get older, you start to figure things out. I’ve spent months looking at and contemplating this copy of The Atlantic that is somehow always on my desk, and I’ve come to some conclusions. Here are some thoughts on ways you, personally, can “have it all.”
1) Steal a baby.
2) Put that baby in a Birkin.
3) Don’t give it clothes. Just put that naked baby in a Birkin.
4) I should preface this by saying that you need enough money to have the kind of disposable income that allows you to spend thousands and thousands of dollars on a large leather bag with few pockets inside it, so a Birkin. Become an investment banker, maybe?
5) If you become an investment banker you’ll be able to send your assistant to buy a Birkin, but you’ll have no time for baby stealing. Consider high class prostitution? Alternatively, being a jewel thief.
6) You also need to have the kind of relaxed, laid back personality where you don’t care if a baby poos in your purse. I’d care a lot if I spent thousands of dollars on my purse and a naked baby was just sitting in it using it as a toilet, so that is complicated for me. Therapy? A really good therapist.
7) Actually, a drug habit. If you did a ton of heroin you wouldn’t care about all the baby poop in your purse.
8) I mean, that, again, seems unbelievably expensive. As well as being deadly. I suppose you could pull it off if you had a pretty much endless supply of cash. Marry the Sultan of Brunei? This feels pretty right.
9) If you marry the Sultan of Brunei you can also kidnap babies without a lot of legal reprecussions, I bet.
10) The way women can have it all is to marry the Sultan of Brunei. This is why he can marry quite a few times. Good work figuring this out.