Dating Hijinks: ‘He Was So Drunk, He Got Up And Walked Right Into A Wall’

You're pretty when you can't get up.

You’re pretty when you can’t get up.

On Wednesdays, Amanda Chatel will be sharing stories about her strange, fascinating and sometimes wonderful dating life. If it makes you want to date, check out TheGloss dating page.

Once again we have a “Dating Hijinks” from our beloved reader and frequent commenter, Sami. Sami’s track record is well, like a lot of us, interesting to say the least. Last time she was with an obnoxious dude who refused to call her by her name and insulted her over and over again. This time she’s on a hot date with a lush who has a penchant for take-out and Game of Thrones. You know, as all wasted people do.

This cautionary tale falls upon one fateful day because all that preceded or followed really doesn’t matter. This guy was nice, sweet, if anything maybe a little too shy. He had the kind of nervous energy that makes you anxious for him. On date one, two, three… understandable. It gets challenging to be around after that.

On date three he had admitted to doing two shots before arriving for dinner, and then drank two whiskeys straight-up during dinner. It’s not that he seemed drunk, or over the top, but it was something I happened to notice. He seemed to really like me. Every single post I would put up on Facebook would immediately get liked. I know it seems silly to gauge things by Facebook, but that’s how things are these days. On our first date he offered for me to stay with his grandparents who live in a different country if I ever visited that country. I thought that was very sweet!

Almost every night he would go to some cookout, and every night he would be drinking… a lot. He would text me, but only after drinking. It got to the point where I started to develop a complex that maybe he only liked me when whiskey was around. I went over to his place on a Sunday to hang out for the day. We decided to watch Game of Thrones. I had a soda. He had an over-sized Styrofoam cup that I didn’t know what contained. He got up to refill his cup, and maybe an hour later I knew something was very much not OK. He was slurring his words, making absolutely no sense, and then spilled the contents of his cup. It turned out it contained pure whiskey. He stood up and walked straight into a wall. I don’t know how I had avoided it while in college, but I had never been around someone that drunk before. I didn’t know what to do.

I cleaned up all of the whiskey that had been spilled. He was in the process of moving, and I didn’t want there to be a stain on the carpet. He had passed out on the floor, so I placed a pillow underneath his head. I then contacted some of my good friends to ask what I was supposed to do because for a frighteningly short bit of time he stopped responding to his name. I was Google searching what to do when someone gets too drunk. I was counting his respiration. It was bad. I was so scared. In the mean time, episode after episode of Game of Thrones played. I now unnecessarily hate that show.

When he started to come to, I would wake him up at intervals to drink water. Then he spilled water everywhere, and he had electronics all in his living room. I left the room for maybe two minutes when I found him placing a phone call for carry out food… not delivery. The restaurant was 20 minutes away, and I had to drive us there. Because my car was a block away from his apartment, and he was too drunk to walk to my car, I had to drive his car to my car.

A few days later he let me know that he pretty much remembered nothing of the 10 hours I was at his place. He had opened the whiskey bottle that day, and it truly stunned me to see how much of the bottle was gone. It was sad, and I really wonder what makes a person need to drink like that. I just know that it was nothing that I could fix.

I am proud of myself for getting out of the situation rather quickly, but believe me it was not easy. It’s not enough for someone to be charming if they are charmingly saying you are not good enough or if they can only be charming while drunk. When I was in middle school I used to say that I would never date someone who didn’t like Chinese food or the band Queen. While those things are important, I’ve added coffee and chocolate. Neither of these guys liked chocolate. I clearly just can’t trust a person who doesn’t like dessert. I’ve learned my lesson.

Sounds EXACTLY like someone I used to know. Exactly. Why do I feel like we should all be listening to Gotye now?

We’re getting low on stories from you guys! I’ve sworn off men, or at least dating, while I’m in Europe, so it’s up to you, loves: chatel@amanda@gmail.com

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    • Fabel

      Am I around too many drunk people? If this happened to me, I probably would’ve been like, “Alright princess, good night!” & bolted immediately. I see now that this is not the responsible thing to do!

      • Amanda Chatel

        Honestly, I would have too… but maybe we’re just not nice people, Fabel!

      • Cate

        I’m with you guys, I’d just blow that popsicle stand so fast and shoot dude a text in the morning like, “hey, you didn’t choke on your own vomit or anything, right?”