You know what is absolutely terrifying? The idea of getting attacked and killed — period. And while the media can be unpleasantly biased against specific victims, generally speaking, there is a certain level of sympathy that comes when a person dies as the result of being attacked. Apparently, that does not happen when you get mauled by lions while having sex.
First, the facts: a woman named Sharai Mawara and an unidentified fisherman were having a sexual encounter in the Zimbabwean town of Kariba. Suddenly, the pair were beset upon by a pride consisting of as many as seven lions. The woman was killed while the man was able to escape, attempting to get help from officers from the Zimbabwe Parks and Wildlife Management Authority. While they searched for the woman and the lions, officers also found the arm of another person whom the lions had killed the night before. Residents of Kariba “are now living in fear as the lions are still roaming freely as there are yet to be caught.”
Now, that is all terrifying in and of itself. It really, truly is. It’s horrifying to imagine being in a situation where several actual lions kill a human being in a gruesome manner. But what if, upon your very violent death, people in the media decided to make it a hil-aaaarious joke? Well, Slade Sohmer of Hypervocal opted to do just that yesterday in a piece so artfully titled, “Worst Threesome Ever: Woman Mauled to Death by Lion During Sex.”
“Let’s break down this nightmare scenario
lion by lion line by line …” Sohmer begins, then proceeds to make as many snide remarks and puns as possible regarding this woman being mauled to death.
Her hand brushes against his. He gazes into her radiant eyes, feeling her soul pour out with each blink. She smiles that smile at him. He grins, almost uncontrollably. Suddenly music plays, mystic angels tending harps, rapidly speeding up the tempo and enmeshing with a libidinous bass line, not unlike the badass bottom from the ALF theme. It’s on. Clothes fly, skin on skin, an impromptu tangling of warm flesh. Then, a lion. Shit.
Um, yeah. Let’s detail the sex encounter of a woman who literally just died within the last couple days. That sounds totally rational and respectful toward the victim’s family. Then, after posting a factual quote from another source describing her male partner running away, he goes on:
Quick thinking, Romeo! When a lion joins the party, that’s not the good kind of additional pussy. At that point, it’s every sex partner for his or herself, you just run and don’t look back. Leave the clothes, too, nobody needs that Chicago Bears Super Bowl XLI Champs shirt when there’s a lion all up on yer lady.
Haha, get it? PUSSY. Like… FELINE/VAGINA/LIONS ARE FELINES BUT NOT VAGINAS. Oh, and then he posted a photo of several men smiling and clapping while wearing Super Bowl shirts.
Look, I’m all about making stupid puns and GIF jokes and ridiculous comments on funny situations within the news. Anybody who frequents The Gloss knows this (and also probably knows way too much other stuff about me; for that, I apologize). I am not, however, about to joke about somebody who was just killed by f’ing lions while naked and having sex. It feels rather close to victim blaming to find such bizarrely cruel humor in a woman being brutally killed by lions simply because she was in the midst of a sex act at the time. Perhaps I’m just some lowly, new-to-the-game and hyper-serious blogger, but it strikes me as going a little bit beyond “poor taste” and ventures into “dick move.”
Photo: cheetah100 / Flickr