Wed Bed Dead: Do You Think Alfred Ever Watches Batman Have Sex?

Hello there, Gloss fans! Welcome to this week’s episode of our our web series Wed Bed Dead, in which editors Jennifer Wright and Ashley Cardiff must decide the potentially very sexy fate of three chosen gentlemen (and occasionally ladies). The show is a live action spin-off of their longrunning and delightful games of Fuck Marry Kill here on The Gloss.

This week, they’re playing with some iconic comic book superheros: Batman, Superman and Spider Man. Ahead, they wonder if Alfred has any unsavory habits Batman doesn’t know about, consider killing Superman because he was so mean to Lex Luther and question the substance of Spidey’s photojournalism skills.

Tune in every Wednesday at 1:00 for new episodes of Wed Bed Dead… and don’t forget to subscribe to our YouTube channel.

Seriously. Don’t forget.

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    • Eileen

      Kill Spidey, fuck Superman, marry Batman.

      • Ashley Cardiff

        Good choices.

      • Maria

        Is there any other way this could be answered?

      • Alle

        No. Absolutely not.

      • Magda Nunez

        At first, those were my choices, because I love Batman and he is super wealthy. But then when it comes to Superman, I can’t get the phrase, “faster than a speeding bullet” out of my brain and that doesn’t seem like it would be satisfying in the bedroom.. So I would have to then kill Spidey, marry Superman, and bed Batman.

      • Eileen

        I understand. But mediocre sex with someone with an amazing body can still be fun, and I feel like being married to Batman has so many perks (and being married to an undercover alien so few) that it just wouldn’t be a worthwhile trade.

      • Magda Nunez

        Ok. You’ve convinced me. I must agree that sex with hotness for the sake of hot can be satisfying in its own right… And who am I kidding? I don’t need much persuading to become Mrs. Bruce Wayne.

    • Nikola

      Marry Batman, convince him to clean up Gotham the smart way, by investing his billions of dollars into better educational and social programs, thereby leveling the economic gap that is surely the cause of most, if not all, of the crime. Bruce Wayne’s ridiculous wealth is actually the biggest villain in the series. Also, tell him to instruct all the scientists and inventors who are so busy developing fancy toys and cars for him, to start researching new medicines, safe energy sources, ways to bring clean water/healthy food to areas that need it, ect.

      I was going to say fuck Spiderman, because he seems bendy and athletic, but then I thought about the web-slinging and he is probably into bondage, and wants to um…squirt his web goo all over you at the end. It would be a production, with multiple positions, and probably requires too much concentration on acrobatics to be any real good.

      Even though Superman is an alien, I would bang him. He is strong enough to hold you up the whole time, has endurance, is obviously hot. And because he can fly, he could fly you to some exotic, beautiful, private locations for some outdoor sex. Also sex while flying would be pretty dope.

      So I guess kill Spiderman by process of elimination. But hey, at least he won’t have to feel guilty about his uncle anymore, or burdened by his great responsibility. Honestly, I think the dude is too much of martyr to be good in bed. And yes, he is a lazy photographer/worker, so probably wouldn’t put that much effort into the bedroom. Even though Superman is super powered, he actually puts a lot of work into trying to just succeed at the newspaper normally, and maintain his secret identity.

      (If I got some of the details of the heroes wrong, my apologies, I am more familiar with the movie and tv adaptations than the comics, and I know this makes me a bad nerd /-: )

      If the rules of fuck, marry, kill were adjustable, I would marry Batman, kill him, then run his company as outlined above. Leave Spidey to his own devices, and marry/bang Superman, while using his flying ability to travel the world for free.

    • does it even matter?

      Oh hey, my nicely typed out answer didn’t post properly, and is now lost. This commenting system kinda sucks.

    • Sean

      May I point out that during your discussion of Batman, neither of your acknowledged that NONE of the three options have parents that are alive?

      Marry whomever you want, you’ll never have a mother-in-law!

      Wait, sorry, you might have an Alfred-in-law, an Aunt Mae-in-law, or a Fortress of Solitude-in-law.

      • Ashley Cardiff

        Oh come on! The Kents were loving adoptive parents.

      • Ashley Cardiff

        (Though Fortress of Solitude-in-law sounds pretty cool)

      • Sean

        It’s also the least intrusive of the three! There’s very little dusting involved, and at worst, you have to put up with the one recording of Jor-El he’ll play over and over again.

        And yes, I concede that the Kents are lovely people, but my point about all three having parents that were killed still stands.

    • MR

      I’ve always had a thing for Michelle Pfeiffer, so watch out for Catwoman. :) I like that scene, I can’t remember which Spiderman – when she asks him if he loves her, just before he senses the car hurling toward the restaurant window.

      • MR

        PS. So which Batman are each of you two marrying?

    • halterpromdresses
    • Holly

      Blah blah blah, blah blah blah…Nightwing.