Anal Sex Absolutely, Positively Causes AIDS (But Vaginal Sex Is Totally Cool)

anal sexReason number 6,969 why I’m glad that I’m in France these days…

It has come to my attention that there is a deadly behavior being practiced known as butt sex. Butt sex, also known as anal sex or sodomy, is when a penis is inserted into an anus as opposed to where it’s supposed to go: the vagina. Whenever a penis goes into an ass and, er, releases its man juice, AIDS is created. Yes, just like that… AIDS is caused by butt sex. It’s called facts, people.

According to Minnesota Baptist pastor, Mike Frey, who clearly knows far more about AIDS than any doctor out there, anal sex is the cause of AIDS. He’s not suggesting it’s the “spread” of AIDS, but the “cause.” However, vaginal sex, since it’s not the “cause” of AIDS is the only sex in which you can’t get the AIDS, because eggs within the vagina have these great “barriers” to prevent the creation of the disease.

When there is ejaculation into a vagina, there is a barrier there, as in your packet it states there, of a cellular tissue that doesn’t allow the sperm — that has an enzyme at the head of it, to penetrate the blood flow. It is designed to go to the egg — that enzyme is designed to burn the outside membrane of the egg cell — go inside the egg, and then deposit the DNA. We call that conception.

When ejaculation occurs inside of a colon it is a highly absorbent material, the cells do not have a barrier for the sperm and those enzymes to enter into the blood flow. When the enzymes enter into the blood flow and a continued, prolonged, um, environment to that happens these enzymes into blood flow it causes what we know as AIDS — acquired immune deficiency syndrome.

HAHAHAHAHA! Dude was totally asleep during sex ed class or something! Is this 1983? Can you count all the pieces of information that are wrong there? Can you imagine if the “packet” of which he speaks got into the hands of sexually active kids?

Instead of delving into the ignorance and mis-education of Mike Frey, let’s focus on how badly he might need to get laid. Only someone with severe sexual hang-ups could possibly be so obtuse to the reality of what “causes” and “spreads” any STD. Based on this comment of his, “Sodomy defined in Minnesota is sex by or with the mouth or through the anus,” he is in need of a blowjob stat. Of course, that will not be happening for him because, as an act of sodomy, it is likely to “cause” AIDS, too — Frey just hasn’t gotten that far in his research yet.

Takeaway? You can have vaginal sex without a condom and not get AIDS even if one of you is infected (which you caught from creating your own AIDS by having butt sex.) But you can’t have anal or oral sex, even if both you and your partner are clean, without getting AIDS, because every time you fuck in the butt you create AIDS. Nice job, you guys.

Watch Frey in all his eloquence here:

Photo: Someecards

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    • Tania

      My brain just died, I think. How does science work? I don’t know anymore.

    • Brianna

      And here I thought AIDS came from toilet seats… I love how this is an argument against gay marriage because as we all know, no heteros out there partake in butt sex.

    • randomandunimportant

      “because every time you fuck in the butt you create AIDS. Nice job, you guys.”

      Holy shit snacks that made me weak. I literally laughed so hard I cried.

      • Amanda Chatel

        “Holy shit snacks.” I’m so adopting that as my new saying. Day. Made.

    • Disgusted

      This article is complete bogus. Try basing your article on science next time! if your partner has AIDS it can be transferred through vaginal sex, oral sex and yes anal sex. Not JUST anal sex! This is just an excuse to gay bash!

    • Dude

      HIV supposedly results in AIDS, right? And vaginal sexu causes HIV, right? Well, I’d think a peer-reviewed scientific study would be a lot more realiable than this random attempt at an article. Don’t believe the hype: ‘Lack of evidence for transmission of human immunodeficiency virus through vaginal intercourse.’

    • Garet Jax

      According to the CDC, risk of HIV transmission is 18 times more likely from anal than vaginal sex.

      And in case anyone was wondering, MSM or Men Who Have Sex with Men still represents the largest single group of AIDS cases. MSM is a CDC coined term.

      No, this isn’t politically correct…it’s SCIENCE.

    • lee

      and i thought it was just british politicians that were dumb!