Do You Always Assume People You’re Dating Are Maybe Axe Murderers?

patrick bateman

I just thought I would pose this to everyone as a fun question, because I’m sure it’s something we’ve all considered. Sometimes, when you are going home with someone for the first time, do you think to yourself “this person is maybe an axe murderer. Like, a fifty percent chance. Insofar as they either are or are not. How will I prevent this?”

I found this guide for telling whether or not someone who is in your book club is a serial killer pretty helpful, with suggestions like:

Does he contribute to the Water for Elephants discussion by telling anecdotes about torturing animals as a child?

Do his digressions reveal key plot twists from Homeland?

Could you tell he was only pretending to be moved by Der Tod in Venedig?

Does it seem like he’s always man-splaining Sheila?

Is he frequently bored by the club’s selected books despite their lush settings, epic scope, emotional complexity, passionate love affairs, and gorgeously wrought prose?

So, every member of my book club is a serial killer. I think a good plan for the future would be to invite people join my book club, and then assess the extent to which they are serial killers. Maybe by only hosting meetings about Water for Elephants.

Following that, I will continue to make pointed eye contact with anyone we pass on he way to their apartment and wear something striking in the hopes that someone, anyone, will remember me.

Seriously, everyone thinks about this, yes?

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    • jacaline

      Absolutely. You know, a lot of people have hang ups with online dating for this reason, but no matter where you’re meeting someone, there is a 50% chance he may or may not kill you and wear your skin. I have a feeling that this is probably not the only area of paranoia for people who agree with this, though.

    • gemma

      yes. i actually thought my fiance was trying to kill me once. we went for a romantic weekend at a cabin, and he wanted me to go out to the woods to turn on the water with him. i now presume he just didn’t want to be in the scary woods either, but secluded area=murder. i defintley thought he was trying to kill me at the moment. he thinks i’m crazy.

    • Sabrina

      I’m actually afraid that I’ll become a serial killer. I recently read everything I could about Ted Bundy, have Helter Skelter on my nightstand and am so completely obsessed with The Following. When I tell people about my serial killer obsession, they seem to think it’s strange…

    • Choo

      Once, in high school, I was parked on the side of a road, at night, with a boyfriend (we were totally not there for lascivious reasons…). All of a sudden he was like “Hey, this reminds me of a movie/book/play I saw/watched recently!” (My memory fails me slightly, I probably blocked out everything in lieu of what came next.) He then proceeded to describe our situation exactly – where we had been earlier that evening, what we had been talking about a minute ago – with the added key detail of the boyfriend then killing his girlfriend in some horrific way. Then he wanted to make out. I told him, as politely as possible, that we were returning to a fully lighted area immediately, and please don’t kill me.

    • Kate

      My believe that more people than not are axe murderers is the primary reason I don’t do random hook ups. I also once went on a few dates with a guy who I met in a bar and we bonded over a mutual love of hiking. He invited me to go hiking as a first date, but I insisted we go out for coffee first so I could better assess whether or not he was planning on killing me in the woods. Even though he passed my test and the hike was fun, I definitely got freaked when we lost our trail- I was pretty sure he was getting us lost on purpose so he could murder and eat me…

    • Breezy

      My paranoia about this is not limited to romantic potentials. I’ve seen entirely too much Law and Order to not wonder constantly who in my life is most likely to murder me/get murdered by someone else. I am convinced that there is a rapist living in my attic just waiting for me to let my guard down. It’s… Irrational, I know. I know.