• Fri, Mar 22 2013

How To Have Sex Like A WASP

penelope witherspoon

The conversation went like this:

“You’ve squirted, right?” he asked.

“Um, no,” I answered.

“So, you’ve never met anyone who could make you squirt? Because all women can.”

“Um, no!” I exclaimed. “I’m from New England! We don’t squirt! We are not squirters!”

“Actually, most women squirt,” he insisted.

“Yeah, most people eat seafood, but it doesn’t mean they’ve ever tasted a lobster from Maine,” was my oh-so coherent and completely relevant response.

“How does that make sense?” he asked.

“I’m not a squirter, so I don’t know.”

It was in that moment that I quickly flashed back to every single one of my sexual encounters. What else do New Englanders do or not do? If we’re not squirting, which is apparently normal outside of our world, what are we doing or not doing that we should fix? Are we not giving enough head? Should I go to church for every time I put a cock in my mouth? Every time I let a fella see me naked? I LOST MY VIRGINITY BEFORE MARRIAGE! My god, in whom I don’t believe, am I going to hell? Probably.

Do you fuck like a WASP? Here’s how you can tell.

 

Photo: Vimeo

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  • http://helloalle.com/ Alle

    The helmet. Oh god, HOW I LAUGHED.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000580129865 Nancy Law

      I feel sorry for you … utter trash

    • Amanda Chatel

      Hahaha! Take your vileness elsewhere, kid… also be more creative in your insults. Bisous.

  • Cate

    I think that dude was lying when he said most women squirt. I’m not even from New England, and most ladies I know don’t. I certainly don’t.

    • Amanda Chatel

      I’ve met ONE woman who has… and although I love her murderously, I’m still convinced she’s just pissing herself during sex. (He also claimed to know where the g-spot was… “it’s a switch in the pussy but a bit to the left.”) OK.

    • Cate

      See, now I’m imagining a very small light switch in my vaginal wall. What a weirdo.

    • Amanda Chatel

      But a hot weirdo, Cate… a very hot weirdo.

  • Nikola

    “So, you’ve never met anyone who could make you squirt? Because all women can.”

    No. No, no, no.

    1. Someone who can “make” you squirt? That’s not a thing. Someone is trying to get an ego boost. Also, if you can’t trust me enough to believe me when I say I’ve come, so much so that you need a physical indication, then maybe we shouldn’t be having sex.

    2. No, that’s not true. All women can pee, so if you want me to pee right after orgasming, that’s on you buddy. Medical research hasn’t even been able to determine yet if there is an actual female ejaculate, or if it is just diluted urine.

    3. I will inform you if my orgasms are not satisfactory, not the other way around, thank you very much. I like not having extra mess to clean up!

    • JennyWren

      Yep yep yep. I occasionally do it, but I don’t really enjoy it because nothing spoils an orgasm like thinking “Hell! That was my grandmother’s quilt!” And I have no way of predicting when it will happen. I’d much rather a guy focus on enjoying what we’re doing together than treating my vagina like a rewards system.

    • Amanda Chatel

      Can you tell me what it’s like? Consistency, smell, is there a lot or a little? I’m just so curious! Is the orgasm better because you did squirt?

    • JennyWren

      Mostly it’s just mildly surprising! It’s the same consistency as pee, but without any smell or color (it cleans up well), so I’m inclined to believe the theory that it’s actually diluted urine (sexy, right?). Happens more often with penetrative orgasms than clitoral. I wouldn’t say the orgasms are better, but I feel slightly more tired afterwards (possibly because of all the rushing around to find paper towels). Just very, very weird!

    • Amanda Chatel

      That’s so fascinating to me! And yeah, I have to go with the diluted pee theory, too… it’s not like we have a cavity in there for lady jizz.

      Thanks for sharing, JennyWren!

    • MammaSweetpea

      It requires a bit of effort, sometimes to the point where it feels more like work than fun. I can do it, but sometimes I think I do it more for him than for myself. I think guys feel like they’ve achieved something if they can make you do it. It’s part of that whole “did you come??” anxiety they have. If you’re not screaming and shaking the bed they feel like they haven’t done a good job.
      Really, I feel sorry for guy sometimes. The messages they get are just as flawed as the messages women get.

    • Amanda Chatel

      They really do need some sort of validation that they were able to make us come, don’t they? Although most men, I would think, should be able to tell at his point… if they know how a vagina responds to an orgasm, there really shouldn’t be any surprises.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000580129865 Nancy Law

    How typical this is of people who thrive on trash. I suppose trash attracts trash.

    • Lastango

      Nancy, this Bud’s for you:

      http://online.wsj.com/article/SB122238618931577035.html

      …and any woman who comes across like the one in that headline pic will have no problem attracting worthwhile men.

    • Amanda Chatel

      I’m pretty sure this site isn’t for you, troll. Get a grip and hit up the Life Site News blog. We fuck here, and we enjoy it… guess we’re trash. Love me some premarital fucking. (A proper orgasm will do you good… some squirting, too.)

  • JonDawg

    My wife and I “discovered” this after a pretty extensive session of sex, after she had multiple vaginal orgasms, and the idiot who is saying that its “getting pissed on” doesn’t know her hoo ha, because Ive also played with her clit so long with a vibrator that she came so hard she pissed (yes, actual piss) and those two distinct liquids could not be any different, while also coming from two different locations. During the “squirting”, we were having intercourse, I had not came yet, and there was an enormous rush of liquid that felt like it came from the g spot area, and flowed right on out all over me. Two VERY different things. Not saying all women can do it, but maybe some that think they “can’t” aren’t getting the proper amount of arousal/foreplay/duration to come even close to that kind of climax.

  • http://twitter.com/radishthegreat Radish™OfWillendorf

    Wow. Total racist headline.

  • Superflyandawhiteguy

    Yeah, pretty stupid article all around. Crude, offense, inaccurate, not funny, doesnt work as irony or satire. Im as WASP as can be, and would be considered pretty freaky by anyone’s standards except maybe those of Caligula , Madonna and the Marquis De Sade. I’ve been contacted by old flames from 20 years ago just to admit that they never had it so good (ie. they havent “squirted” in 20 years). And the most promiscuous girl I ever knew was a blonde blueblood WASP from Connecticut. (Yeah, she’d squirt…). With this article you would think that WASPs should have died out generations ago due to lack of pregnancies. Dear Amanda, consider a new career that takes you as far from a keyboard or pen and paper as possible. Maybe car detailing?

    • Gina

      Not sure if you’re a troll or just delusional and lack any sense of humor.

  • CharlieSeattle

    Crude. Tasteless. 5rd rate garbage.

  • goneand wont be back

    Feeling dumb because i read 2 whole articles on this website before i realized this is all bullshit. The e story about miss teen Delaware being use by pageants and now you just messed up if you fit a white stereo type. Middle white America is your douse of self hating.

  • Amy

    Jeez, the trolls on here are ridiculous, particularly the men who feel the need to tell everyone about how much they know about women’s bodies and what an expert lover they are. What a bunch of sad lame-ass losers!!

    • Amanda Chatel

      Agreed. I’m not even sure where they all came from, because they’re definitely not our regular readers/commenters. WE’VE BEEN INVADED.

    • Breezy

      Seriously, what in all hell is going on around here?! Maybe you need a warning label on the home page: If foul language, sexy talk, and sarcasm offend you, please park your wagon elsewhere.

  • Jacqui Bulkley

    I have squirted, and was so intrigued I spent some time (after the event) in a library trying to figure out “why”.
    Biologically speaking any woman CAN squirt, but there are a lot of parameters to take into consideration including individual-specific genetic anatomy, hormone levels and bio-chemistry, and finally – level of sexual excitement at a given point.
    I have squirted, so I know I can – and yet I have only done so that one time.
    PS: my self-studies indicated that “squirting” is NOT the same as female orgasm or “cumming”, but is related to Kegel constriction and female lubrication fluids (think “gleeking” for your pussy)