• Wed, Apr 3 2013

Dating Hijinks: Drunken Ramblings About Clubbing Seals And Bible Quotes? Definitely Great First Date Banter

dating hijinksOn Wednesdays, Amanda Chatel will be sharing stories about her strange, fascinating and sometimes wonderful dating life. If it makes you want to date, check out TheGloss dating page.

Today’s Dating Hijinks comes from Karen. Karen, in all her loveliness and nervousness, decided the best way to deal with the preparation of her date was with some wine. However, she got carried away a bit with the wine and by the time she was on her way to her date, she had consumed a bottle and a half. Karen is a champ! Karen also made some major first date mistakes from which we can all relate when we’ve pre-gamed a bit too much, too.

I wanted to try online dating. This decision followed the same logic I use when choosing to elliptical at the gym; I don’t expect to get much out of it, but figure it’s better than nothing.

After scanning profile upon profile, I came across someone that caught my attention.  The guy seemed honest, funny, had impressive grammar(!!!), and nowhere in his profile did he shamefully apologize for trying online dating.

Winner! I decided to email him.

Remarkably: he replied.  More remarkably: upon reading his email, I realized I had met him before.

I’ve always had an incredible memory (second only to my unbelievable vision). I memorized the list of presidents in 1995 and can still recall them in order today, I recognize past bartenders and shop girls on the subway, and we’re not even going to discuss my vast knowledge of obscure Saved by the Bell quotes (“Am I a 10 or what!”).

Online dating is creepy enough without someone saying, “Didn’t you interview me for a job 5 years ago?”  I decided to stay mum. For now.

We exchanged a few emails and finally decided to meet.  I remained silent about our past meeting.

I decided that on the date, when he mentioned his former place of employment, I would put my theatre major to good use and look confused/surprised before saying, “Oh. My. God. I think I know you.”  Perfect plan.

Fast forward to the day of the date.

I’m nervous. Unlike most of the guys I’ve been dating (sorry fellas), I actually found him interesting and was looking forward to the date. This excitement coupled with the fact that I had over-rehearsed my “Oh. My. God…” led me to one ill-fated conclusion:  I should pre-game to calm my nerves.

A bottle and a half of Sauvignon Blanc later, I was on my way.

Drunk and over-compensating for my little secret, I did the only thing I could think of: I talked. Nonstop. For four hours.  And, I talked about nonsense.  Kramer vs. Kramer, favorite Bible quotes, West Virginia’s famed Philipi Mummies, stealing umbrellas, clubbing seals and hunting deer (on the heals of him telling me he was a vegetarian), and the list goes on.

The more I talked, the more I realized I couldn’t reveal that I knew him.  It would make me too crazy.  I would keep the secret.

Of course, this meant that anytime he mentioned anything personal about himself, I would shift the conversation with a ridiculous non-sequitor (“where were you when Kerri Strug stuck the vault?”) so as to not be thrust into a situation where he would mention his former place of employment and I’d be forced to perform my one-line skit.

In between my ramblings, the brief things he said were quite interesting and I think we would have actually hit it off if I hadn’t been a drunken, self-involved sociopath.

I didn’t hear from him afterwards.

The brazen hussy that I am, I attempted triage and emailed him to say, “Thanks for a fun night on Saturday.  Great getting to know you (during the brief moments when I wasn’t talking.)”

Shockingly, no reply.

Pre-gaming is usually only good in theory as we’ve learned from past dating tales. But that doesn’t mean you should stop doing it since it’s bound to make a great story later.

Have a dating disaster or date so great it felt like a dream? Email me: chatel.amanda@gmail.com

Photo: OneBigPhoto

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  • Sean

    Why does this feel like the bookend to Will’s “I got utterly baked before the date” story? :-)

    • Amanda Chatel

      Haha! Because it is… maybe?

  • MarMar

    I hate to be a downer here, but it sounds like Karen might have a bit of a drinking problem.