If You’ve Had Children, No One Wants To F*ck You Unless You Drink Virgins’ Blood

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Jessica Alba in 2005; Into the Blue.

We all knew that life ended when people got married. So, if that’s the case, then life is definitely completely over once you start popping out babies. Who the hell wants to fuck a woman who’s had kids? Gross. She’s probably covered in stretch marks, her vagina is a huge, open wonky gash and she’s absolutely, completely a mess. I’m throwing up in my mouth just at the thought of it.

As our sister site, Mommyish, pointed out, The Daily Mail is literally stunned that after two kids and eight years later, Jessica Alba is able to have the same body she had back in 2005 when she was in that award-winning film, Into the Blue. How could this be? The Daily Mail wants answers! She should be vile and disgusting by now with a stretched out vagina and saggy boobs! Women aren’t supposed to be attractive or have kick ass bodies after turning themselves into baby-making machines and growing old! HOW MANY VIRGINS ARE BEING KILLED JUST SO JESSICA ALBA CAN DRINK THEIR BLOOD IN ORDER TO STAY THIS WAY?

The Daily Mail writes:

She proved that she still has the same amazing figure, despite giving birth to two kids in the interim.

“Despite,” you guys! It’s important to remember exactly what this woman has been through in order to really understand just how shocking this all is that her body is still so awesome.

The Daily Mail is drunk and needs to sober up. I don’t care if it’s past 5pm in the UK, because this is bloody bollocks (I heard them say that in Love Actually.)

Via Mommyish/Photo: Columbia Pictures

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    • Amanda

      I know so many guys that think children automatically make a women ‘unfuckable’. For example, Megan Fox. Still stunning and in great shape, pretty much no difference (that I can notice) except for the fact that she has a child and many of my guy friends don’t acknowledge her existence anymore because of it.

      They have this concept that a vagina becomes extremely loose and gross after having a child (Because the vagina is not meant to do such things and return back to normal, only to be able to do it again, amirite?!)

      • Andrea

        You know this touched upon some irrational fear I had when I was getting ready to have my baby: that my vagina would be stretched out beyond recognition. But vaginas really are amazing things; mine went right back to where it was, my husband swears there is NO difference. OK, so maybe he’s biased cuz he wants to keep getting laid, but I don’t feel like it’s any different either!

    • abdilly

      don’t ignore the possibility that she probably has enough money to pay for a nanny to watch her kids while she works out with an exclusive trainer and that she also has funds to nip/tuck and get spa treatments to get that body back to pre-baby.

    • meteor_echo

      Eh, a person having kids is the biggest turn-off for me. Not because of the body changes, just because of having co-dependents (and being thus tied to their other parent for life).
      Woman-boner killer, for sure.

    • anya

      this is a huge overreaction to a simple comment, trying to create news when there is none. you guys have said comments such as that before on this blog. the headline is obviously just to get readers to click on this because in no way did the daily mail’s comment imply that