• Wed, Apr 10 2013

How To Talk To Jewish Girls

sarah silverman

Some guy in a fraternity at the University of Maryland just composed an epic letter to his fraternity brothers detailing how to talk to Jewish girls. Initially my guess would have been, “Just assume they’re normal human beings, just like you,” but I would have guessed wrong.

The frat bro in question explains:

Hello Everyone,

Most of the Jewish people in the frat, including myself, are going to be at
[redacted]. Since we will not be there to guide and wingman you tonight, here
is a quick guide to how you should go about talking to these jewish sorority
girls tonight. This is funny, but also serious. Follow my directions and you
will have a way better greek week than you think possible. We’re with these
girls for 5 straight parties so make a good impression and hava nagila hava.

1. HOMETOWN: If from an allowed hometown you are fine. If not, lie and say you
are from an allowed area. Note: DC is a toss up area, as is Vermont.

Areas you can be from: New York, New Jersey, PA (only Philadelphia area, sorry
redacted), Massachussets, Rockville/Bethesda area, Pikesville

Not Allowed Areas: The rest of Maryland (especially rural counties, looking at
you redacted), Baltimore, Atlanta, anywhere in the south, Connecticut

2. MUSIC: House is preferable, rap is fine. 90s rock could work, but it would
be better if you stuck to house. Country is out, as is normal Rock.

3. OVERNIGHT/SLEEPAWAY CAMP: Make up a camp you went to. Say it was in upstate

PA, NY, or Maine. Say it starts with “Timber” or ends in “Lake”. You could
also make up an Indian (redskin kind, not the slumdog kind) name. For example,
Lack-a-wa-taka or Saska-Rata.

Say you started when you were ten years old, but stopped going when you were 15
in order to play high school sports. You liked it a lot. You still talk to
your camp friends when you can.

4. ARE YOU JEWISH?

If you are Jewish, say yes. If you look somewhat Jewish but aren’t (redacted, redacted, redacted) just say you are. If you are not Jewish and don’t look Jewish
(redacted) then say:

a. No I’m half-jewish but didn’t get bar mitzvahed of anything. My dad is
jewish.

b. No, but I’m from a really jewish area

5. TOPICS OF CONVERSATION

-How terrible it was that you couldn’t eat bread during Passover (note: this is
a week long holiday) last week

-How much fun you had at Ultra (even if you did not go, say you went)

-How excited you are for greek week

-How drunk you got on Tuesday at Barking Dog (say you went)

-How excited you are for Fe to re-open because it is your favorite bar and you
are getting sick of Barking Dog and Cornerstone

-How it’s funny that most people think our frat isn’t jewish, when we are in
fact 70 percent Jewish and all from the NY/NJ/Boston/Philly area. In fact, both
roommates in your triple are from Long Island!

6. MAJOR

-You are a business major or an econ major or a communication major

-You want to “do something with business, maybe finance” or start your own
business

-Alternative 1 to that: Some science major, but you are going to med school to
be a doctor (why? because both your parents are doctors)

-Alternative 2: You are a crim major and plan on going to law school

7. WHAT TO WEAR

-Jeans are definitely preferable to other pants

-V necks are ideal

-Button downs work too, but try to avoid flannel. Solid colors are a better bet

-T shirts and graphic t shirts with words on them are great

-If you wear a cross on your neck, don’t wear it

-Hats are fine, if they are backwards and snapbacked

Right, okay, so I guess the answer is, “Lie about your major, because Jewish chicks love money.” Also “Lie about where you are from.” And, “Lie about going away to camp.” Actually, the correct answer seems to be, “Lie about everything.” And wear a V-neck sweater. Good to know!

Via Jezebel

Picture via WENN

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  • Eileen

    Wow, this is incredibly lame and offensive.

    But I can’t lie; my burning question is – what is “house” music?

    • anna

      it’s a subset of dubstep

    • anna

      and as a i explained to my mother this morning, after wiping tears of laughter from my face, dubstep has NOTHING to do with country music.

  • Colleen

    “Say anything you have to in order to get some poor girl to make a bad decision and sleep with an asshole.”

  • Lastango

    Distinctly un-witty — the worst possible flaw.

    BTW, there’s a ton of stuff on the web about “dating Jewish”. It can be complicated. “Just assume they’re normal human beings, just like you” ain’t gonna do it a lot of the time. Try this for starters:

    http://waysandhow.com/how-to-date-a-jewish-girl

    LTR leading to MRS can get interesting too…

    http://www.tabletmag.com/jewish-life-and-religion/119861/my-jewish-dating-problem

  • Lo

    What, no secret handshake?

  • len132

    Is there something about Jewish people and camp that I have totally missed? Then again, I am from the south, and that probably means you shouldn’t talk to me.

  • http://blisstree.com/ Carrie Murphy

    I went to UMD, so the specific references (like “Fe” aka Santa Fe a bar that’s been closed for about five years, I believe) and which areas of Maryland it’s ok to say you’re from were funny to see. But OMG, is this bullshit. Sadly, I think it reflects pretty truly on the majority of frat culture at Maryland. Not all, of course, but I shudder to think of the misogynistic crap that gets put out on those listservs. It’s literally scary.

  • thisislame

    Wow, as a college attending Jewish female, I find this completely offensive. Yes, we may joke about a lot of these things (I do in fact come from Boston, went to a Jew camp upstate, and am looking for someone of the same faith), but it is unacceptable to manipulate and completely lie about these “stereotypes” in hopes that a pathetic frat boy can hook up with one of us. What is also failed to be recognized is that we come from bat-shit crazy families and if you wrong us, WE WILL FUCK YOU UP.

    Also, house is for people who have no taste in music. If you had even had a legitimate conversation with a Jewish girl, you will know we love Bon Iver and of course Matisyahu.

    • thisislame

      P.S. – Really? Sarah Silverman, really? Because when you think trashy Jewish college girl who would fall for this, Sarah comes to mind?

  • http://twitter.com/paticamelo Patrícia Camelo

    what. the. fuck.

  • chickadee33

    When did Boston become a Jewish metropolis ??