A Very Mad Men F*ck, Marry, Kill: Don Draper, Roger Sterling, Pete Campbell

Don Draper from Mad MenYou may be expecting our regularly scheduled Wednesday episode of Wed Bed Dead. Unfortunately, Jen and Ashley got a little too awesome last night (whiskey) and don’t have one for you. Next week they will! Still, they dragged themselves out from under their oppressive hangovers this morning and made you a Fuck Marry Kill in the old written format, concerning a few of Mad Men‘s main anti-heroes, Don Draper, Roger Sterling and Pete Campbell.

Ashley: Okay. So. Let’s begin with you taking me up to speed. I’ve only seen the first three seasons of Mad Men and… I didn’t find it as… uh… nuanced as everyone else so I kind of fell off. Are there any major changes to Don/Roger/Pete that may affect decision making?

Jennifer: Not a single thing, honestly. Umm, Pete cheated on his wife. Roger got remarried. And then divorced. Their personalities have remained virtually identical. Okay, so, there have been no substantial changes to any of the character’s personalities since season three.

Ashley: Good to know.

Jennifer: Roger remains a charming bon vivant who belongs drinking martinis in a bar with Hemingway on one side and a young blonde on the other. Pete remains smarmy but correct in almost all of his business predictions. And Don Draper is still Don Draper. So, a lying, cheating, manipulative human being, somehow redeemed by the fact that he looks like Jon Hamm.

Ashley: It’s pretty effective, looking like Jon Hamm the way he does.

Mad Men's Don Draper

“Why, hello. I didn’t see you there.”

Jennifer: That’s his only good quality, honestly.

Ashley: But Don’s still a piece of shit. So, obvious kill.

Jennifer: Well… He must be REALLY good in bed, right? If only because of all the practice?

Ashley: I don’t know, Jen. It seems unlikely that Don would care much about being good in bed, as far as ladies are concerned. Then again, that hippie chick in season one is pretty taken with him, and she seems like the sort of lady who gets hers.

Jennifer: Ladies are only with him for the sex.

Ashley: I think ladies are with him for the face, mainly.

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    • http://helloalle.com/ Alle

      This one is complicated for me because I had SUCH a crush on Vincent Kartheiser back in the day, and it KILLS me that Snake from The Hairy Bird (I think it was called All I Wanna Do here?) grew up to be Pete Campbell.

      That said. Fuck Don (and never regret it even if the sex is bad, because he is beautiful), Marry Roger (spike all his drinks with LSD as that episode was hilarious), Kill Pete (could do nothing less to a man who says “hells bells”).

      • NeuroNerd

        Snake in All I Wanna Do (it’s name in the U.S. at least) AND Connor on Angel!

      • Porkchop

        up your zoozoo with a wawa brush? He was so cute in that!!!

    • Nikola

      I just cannot not hate Pete. You can be right about things and be a nice person. I have seen Roger and Don actually appear to care about people other than themselves…Pete? Not so much. He just seems to only care about himself. And that dude seems so unhappy, Killing him is a mercy I guess? If he was really right all the time he would figure out how the fuck to interact with people. And Trudy/Annie/Allison Brie is too good for him.

      I would fuck Don to find out what the fuss was about, but I would def double bag that dick, cause he has been swinging it around like a pro baller for too long to have not caught something.

      Marry Roger. He’s funny, and I would do LSD with him, say something profound and he would be devoted to me for life. Also, I would totally invite Joanie into our marriage bed, because damn…I just want to be able to fuck Joan, quite frankly. A silver fox and a red-headed bombshell? Put me in that sex sandwich, NOW!

      • ash

        Kill Peter, fuck Roger and Don (at the same time, maybe?), marry Joan. Peggy can come hang out, too. Done and done, forget the rules.

    • Rachel

      Remember when Pete raped (or gray area-d at the VERY least) the au pair? yeah, he sucks.

      i s’pose don digitally raped bobbie barrett. which was worse than pete actually raping-by-coercion the au pair, because don KNEW what he was doing and did it to hurt her. [there are arguments made that she liked it...i dunno, maybe she did, maybe she didn't. she certainly didn't consent before the fact]

      i actually rate roger’s racism as much less terrible than pete and don’s sexual violence.

      • Amy

        The bit about Pete and that Polish nanny, ugh, that’s what I came here to say! He is disgusting and I would kill him in a heartbeat. Fuck Roger (because he is so silly and drunk and fun). Marry Don (I liked the way he handled the “pimping out Joan” thing).

    • Jamie

      Jennifer,

      There is no way Pete would send your children to public school.

      • http://twitter.com/JenAshleyWright Jennifer Wright

        Jamie, he is a Dyckman. There’s probably a wing named after them at Spence.

    • Porkchop

      MARRY ROGER. For God’s sake… He’s the only one of the three that’s capable of enjoying…something. Plus, you’ll inevitably get divorced and you’ll leave the relationship rich, and the only price you have to pay is that he’ll repeatedly try to keep having sex with you (but it won’t hurt his feelings when you say no).

      Then you go up to Pete, who KNOWS you’re going to kill him, but then you’re like, “No. No, Mr. Campbell, I’m not. I’m going to kill Don and then after that we’ll fool around on a pile of furs and cash from my ex-husband Roger, while I whisper in your ear that you’ve always been right about everything.”

      (Later, Roger will tell you how upsetting this is, and you’ll say, “Buy me an apartment.” And he will.)

      • http://helloalle.com/ Alle

        And then you kill Pete anyway, right? After you’ve lured him into a false sense of security?

      • http://twitter.com/JenAshleyWright Jennifer Wright

        Friends! Porkchop. you and I are friends.

    • anna

      yeah, does no one else think pete is a rapist? i strongly do. men on the internet strongly disagree, however.

    • kmc

      F^ck Pete, marry Roger, kill Don. This was an easy choice for me.

    • http://twitter.com/damnitnicole damnitnicole

      Marry Roger. I am, after all, a Jewess. Fuck Don, because I’ve made way worse decisions for worse reasons. Kill Pete, not because I hate him (actually, I think I’d enjoy having a drink with him and muttering together about everyone else’s incompetence), but because I’d still rather fuck Don.