While revisiting my most embarrassing favorite song (“Die Young” by Ke$ha, to my shame), I had to sit through one of those 30-second ads on YouTube in order to get to the video. Though I usually ignore these ads and click away, I was eating at the time and therefore didn’t really feel like putting down my food. I wound up watching a Clairol Nice ‘n Easy hair dye ad informing me of the importance of secretively dyeing one’s greying hair. Otherwise, your partner will cease to recognize you and your face may or may not become invisible.
In the spot, a man is discussing his wife Kate Kendall, a stunning Australian actress with the bounciest fucking hair you have ever seen that glows in the dark and was spun by Rumpelstiltskin himself. The dude explains that after having some kids and jobs and other pleb stuff, “it’s no wonder” he’s going grey.
But Kate. Kate. She still looks like herself! Why? Because she dyes her hair, and everybody knows that when you do not dye your hair, you begin to morph into a different human being entirely. And despite being interviewed for the commercial, dude has no fucking clue how she does it.
“It’s a secret, bitch!” Kate replies, throwing around her hair in faux-slow motion. Dude gives a somber smile, quietly wondering why his wife is keeping so much from him. Is she staying via an affair? he ponders. Is Clairol a beautiful Moroccan man?
The ad ends on an enlightening note: “With the expert highlights and lowlights of Nice ‘n Easy, all they see…is you.” On my way home from work today, I know I’ll be buying a package — my colleagues, friends and lovers have recently mentioned how camouflaged my face has become since I got my first grey. Today, I look like a star nosed mole (or am I just wearing a mardi gras mask?).
Luckily, I’m willing to share my secret with you guys. Here, take it. Be like Kate. Hopefully this will raise awareness of the dangers of disappearing due to aging, as shown by my new ad campaign: “You’re not you when you’re old.”